Six months under power

Being a mother and alone is one thing above all: incredibly exhausting. My daughter is almost six years old when we move into our new apartment. Not the age to leave her home alone. Step one: looking for and finding a kindergarten place with afternoon care and a babysitter. I work freelance and have to be out and about in the evenings from time to time. We don't have any relatives here, friendships are only slowly forming in the new city and the father is only present every other weekend at most. For the first six months, I'm under a lot of pressure. I mustn't forget to give my child a sandwich, his shirt mustn't be dirty, otherwise the nursery school teachers will think the poor child is neglected now - because mom hasn't managed her marriage.

Only very slowly do such ideas subside. In the evening, I feel like I'm in prison. I can't go shopping, I rarely see friends. On top of that, I have to come to terms with the separation - and the many recriminations that come by text message: "You've ruined my life and your daughter's! Well, how are you living with the guilt?" But no matter what dad does: as a mother, you talk everything up for your little girl. Only your own stomach turns. Plus the fear: Can my daughter cope with all this? How will I get us through financially?

Important help from neighbors and friends

I'm alone with everything and yet I have to work for my child. So I'm a single parent plus work, household, parenting, schooling, dealing with the authorities. After a year, I collapse, sit at the doctor's and cry. I register as unemployed and try to shift down several gears without my child noticing. Amazingly, it works. And things are slowly but surely improving.

Until now, I was the type who wanted to do everything myself. My tip for single parents: Accept help! My neighbor mows the lawn. A friend fixes small things. I've also found wonderful friends who pick my child up from school in an emergency. Sometimes I'm so touched by so much helpfulness that it brings tears to my eyes. And of course my child is getting bigger and bigger. Today she is walking home from school on her own for the first time. I am so proud.

Single parenting: the most important tips

There are 1.6 million single parents in Germany. They not only have to fight their way through emotional chaos, but also through a lot of bureaucracy:

1. how do I apply for child custody?

Married couples automatically have joint custody. If you are not married to the father of the child, you have custody. You do not need to apply for this separately. The following also applies to the joint child: Child benefit is shared. So as a single parent, don't count on receiving the full amount.

2. single parent: Finances for a new life?

After moving out and until the divorce, you are entitled to separation maintenance. The difference in net income after all deductions is taken and 1/7 is deducted for each partner. The lower earner receives half of the remaining amount. Child maintenance is added to this.

3 How do I get maintenance from my ex?

If the separation is based on good communication, you can discuss maintenance with your husband. Work out in advance how much you need to live on: Rent, electricity, insurance, telephone, clothes, food and more. If he is not willing to talk, contact the youth welfare office or a lawyer. You can be supported by social assistance until this has been clarified.

4. do I get money for childcare?

Yes, you will. The forms for applying for a reduction or exemption from the fee can be found on the city's website or in the town halls. In most cases, however, you will have to pay for the meals at the childcare center yourself.

5. an agreement on divorce - what is it?

In the run-up to the divorce, you can reach an agreement with your spouse on all conceivable points. About maintenance payments, pension equalization, the transfer of houses, apartments and much more. However, you should have the divorce settlement agreement checked by a lawyer before you sign it. If both parties agree, it will be notarized by a notary. The court proceedings are then a mere formality.

6 How can I afford divorce proceedings?

Legal aid is available for low-income earners. There are ready-made forms available from the court or lawyers. You must state your complete financial circumstances and regular income and expenditure. The court will then decide whether to grant the aid. However, if you are earning well or better at some point, you must declare this to the court. After ten years, the court will ask whether you have higher income and can reclaim the money.

7 How do I obtain a care arrangement?

The best thing to do is to discuss with the father what such an arrangement might look like. The focus should always be on the best interests of the child. This is also laid down in the German Civil Code. However, if the father refuses to see the child, it will be difficult. Coercive measures are at best to the detriment of the child.

8 What happens if I fall ill?

This is probably the worst case scenario for single parents. Of course, the father should then step in. If he doesn't, you can apply to the health insurance fund for household help.

9 How do I explain the new situation to my child?

The reasons for the end of a marriage are far too complex for younger children. However, you should make it very clear to them that the separation is final and that there is no going back. Take plenty of time and answer all the children's questions openly.

10 How do I create my own space?

Being overwhelmed as a single parent - it can happen quickly! Therefore, try to create space for yourself. If family members live nearby, take your child there from time to time. Let your child play and spend the night with friends. Sometimes it's enough to hire a babysitter for just one hour - even if you don't do anything during this time.

Single parents: Tips in books

Be strong: Here are tips for dealing with your own feelings in order to cope better with the enormous strain. "Stark und Alleinerziehend: Wie du der Erschöpfung entkommst und mutig neue Wege gehen" by Dr. Alexandra Widmer 19.99 euros, Kösel-Verlag.

Weak points: Society and politics leave mothers out in the cold in many situations after separation. The book identifies what absolutely needs to change. "Allein, alleiner, alleinerziehend" by Christine Finke. 14.99 euros, Bastei Lübbe.

Example families: How do others actually deal with the situation? Eight stories tell of everyday life. "The smallest family in the world" by Bernadette Conrad. 16.99 euros, btb Verlag.

Bonding with the child: exercises for a good relationship. "Single parenting, self-confident and strong" by Matthias Franz. 15.99 euros, fischer & gann.

Single parents: Tips and information on the internet

You can find tips for single parents and lots of like-minded people online:

➜ www.familien-wegweiser.de
➜ www.vamv.de
➜ www.allein-erziehend.net
➜ www.mama-arbeitet.de
➜ www.netmoms.de
➜ www.smart-mama.de
➜ www.mutterseelenalleinerziehend.de