There is also the question of where to put it. Who is responsible? Who can you ask for advice? It's not that easy, especially as sexual addiction is not even officially recognized. But every addiction follows certain criteria and has a similar impact on the lives of those affected.

If sexual addiction is also defined according to these criteria, seven points come together. Anyone who believes that they suffer from some form of sexual compulsion should consider whether and which of these apply to them. Since American studies suggest that around 80% of those affected are men, I will mainly refer to men here and therefore use the masculine form for the sake of simplicity.

1. loss of control:

• You made a really firm commitment after the last time not to do it again. No porn, no sexual adventures, no online chatting.
• And it didn't work out. Once again. Despite all your precautions, you fall off the wagon. You just can't resist.
• And to make matters worse, you can't even enjoy the orgasm.

Because at the same time as the climax comes the overwhelming feelings of guilt. Guilt because you didn't make it again. So you won't be able to enjoy it.

2 Craving:

This term is used to describe the overpowering and often slowly building desire of addicts for the drug. In this case, porn, pornographic photographs, sex hotlines or even personal sexual contact are the drugs in question.

• After the last time, this craving slowly builds up in you.
• At first, it is quite easy to resist.
• But over time, the pressure increases.
• Until you can't think about anything else but finally giving in to your craving.

And although you are then probably in a state of maximum arousal, you can't really enjoy the feeling. This is because you had firmly resolved not to do it again.

3. high time commitment:

As with all addictions, you become intensely involved with your own personal drug.

• You often sit in front of the computer for hours, delaying your orgasm for as long as possible. Of course, you don't have this time in your everyday life.
• Perhaps you are still in a relationship, or perhaps your social contacts have already been greatly reduced. You no longer have time for your family or to go out with friends.
• Things are also looking bad at work. You don't have the time and, above all, the motivation to get stuck into your job. Not to mention those who even surf porn sites during working hours.

4. withdrawal:

In the case of substance-related addictions such as alcohol or drug addiction, physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms set in as soon as the drug is no longer supplied. Whether this also occurs with behavioral addictions such as sexual addiction is controversial. However, you may well feel restless, irritable or unable to concentrate as soon as you try to stop giving in to your addiction.

5. development of tolerance:

We also know this from substance-bound drugs. The body demands more and more at ever shorter intervals. And this is often also the case with sexual addiction.

• You are always on the lookout for new films, images and contacts. In the case of porn, you may need more and more extreme films to satisfy yourself.
• This can even go so far that you end up in illegal areas.

6. neglecting important areas of your life:

This has something to do with spending so much time on your addiction. Everything you used to enjoy in your free time - family, friends, hobbies, sports, movies, volunteer work - falls away. But even if you're not actually having sex, you're still absent-minded. And who wants to talk to a friend who only listens with a lack of concentration the whole time? Yet another reason why social contacts often break off.

7 Negative consequences:

There are lots of possibilities here:

• Imagine being caught watching porn at work. You could lose your job! You no longer have one? Then you will probably find it difficult to start looking for work.
• And the frustration of rejection can also lead to an increase in your consumption.
• Or you may catch a sexually transmitted infection (STI) because you haven't paid attention to safer sex.
• At home, you are probably trying to hide your secret. Maybe your partner thinks you're having an affair. If she finds out that you visit porn sites every day or have anonymous sex outside, it is not uncommon for a relationship to break down.
• Sexual addiction is all about your needs. Perhaps you only watch movies with a certain sexual orientation.
• How do you then experience sex as a partner? Do you still have any desire at all?
• Do you have erectile dysfunction?
• Do you come too quickly or not at all?

Sex addiction is not a pleasure but a torture

From the outside, you might think that sexual addiction is wonderful. Sex over and over again, lots of orgasms. Great. What could be so bad about that? However, if we take a look at the suffering of those affected, things look very different. That's the way it is with addictions: Driven by the desire for fulfillment, those affected then realize that the great feeling they were expecting is very short-lived. Guilt and shame prevail. They isolate themselves more and more and lose contact with the outside world. Most people need professional help to free themselves from sexual addiction. If you have found yourself in the seven points and really want to change the situation, you should see a therapist. Many people continue until the suffering becomes unbearable. But you don't have to let it get that far. Get help!

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION

Date: 15.07.2020