She has wanted a real seduction for so long and has a very clear idea of how he should do it:

- He makes the bed fresh,
- decorates the path to the bedroom with rose petals,
- lights candles everywhere,
- lights candles everywhere, plays romantic music,
- chills the champagne,
- runs a bubble bath
- and waits for her with a glass in his hand.

But all he can think of is receiving her naked in the doorway with a waving flag and a big grin. "Nah, not like that," she thinks disappointedly, throws her work bag in the corner and sits down in front of the TV in a huff. He, on the other hand, no longer understands the world. She really wanted to be seduced, didn't she? What on earth does she expect from him? Not some kitschy stuff like in her romance novels? Roses, champagne? Seriously? Isn't he enough for her the way he is? And why doesn't she approach him herself when she wants sex?

Yes, what's going wrong here? And how can you seduce your partner in such a way that it actually ends in hot lovemaking?

Recognizing the right signs

Seduction does not mean persuading our partner, taking them by surprise or ambushing them. Nor does it mean that we have to have our way for the sake of it. Rather, seduction means winning the other person over for something. In this case, for a wonderful bedtime treat. Or wherever you want to have fun. But we only win our partner over for something that he or she wants at least a little bit. This little bit is important. Because if there is no willingness at all, for example after a heated argument, a stressful day at work or during an illness, the chances are slim.

Sometimes we don't even notice the other person and his or her needs. We only think about what we want and what we would like. We ourselves may have been thinking up a great scenario for days. But the other person knows nothing about it. And then we start and run into a wall.

How does your partner feel right now?

To find out whether your efforts could be crowned with success, you should pay attention to the situation your partner is currently in and pick him or her up from there. To do this, you need a little empathy and sensitivity.

Is she complaining a lot about too much work at the moment? Then don't rush at her with a bulging erection and demand even more attention from her.

- Give her time, listen to her, take some of the work off her hands.
- How about a non-committal massage?
- A cup of tea or hot chocolate?

Tune her in carefully.

The same applies the other way round, of course. There is a persistent prejudice that men are always in the mood for sex. Of course, this is not true, but it makes it all the more incomprehensible when they really don't feel like it. So instead of receiving him in challenging lingerie after a long day at work, ask him beforehand if you want to cook or order something together that evening. Let him arrive first. And then make him curious.

What do you want and why do you want sex?

We should also talk about what ideas we have about seduction. No one has a crystal ball and can guess what we want deep down. If it's going to be a scenario like the example above, she needs to make that clear to him. She wants romance, wants to be conquered and feel loved. So there's a lot more to it than just pure sexual pleasure.

So ask yourself why you want to have sex right now. Is it really about your partner or is there something completely different behind it?

- Do you perhaps need attention or distraction yourself?
- Are you under pressure at work and need confirmation that someone loves you?

This is also important to recognize. Because when it comes to sex, we always take everything personally. Imagine it's not about sex, but about going to the movies. If your partner refuses, then yes, never mind, just sit in front of the TV or ask a friend. If, on the other hand, we are turned down when we want to have sex, it can easily turn into frustration. Especially because we were hoping for something specific. And this often goes beyond pure lust. However, your partner can tell very well whether you really mean him or her or whether you are just using him or her to satisfy your own needs.

There are always two people involved in a seduction

So, before you seduce your partner, think about what your motivation is behind it. Do you just want to be close to him or her, do something good, have sex? Good, then take a look at how your partner is feeling and get him or her in the mood for a nice evening or a weekend together. Maybe you'll actually come up with the big surprise. Or you can take things slowly and carefully ;-)

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION