Sweets used to be strictly regulated in our house. Whenever there was chocolate on offer, my father would buy a whole pile of different varieties. He showed it to us and we all laughed heartily at this excessive purchase. Afterwards, however, this pile disappeared and became a land of milk and honey behind a closed door in the living room cupboard.

My thoughts constantly revolved around this colorful pile, which was out of reach for me. My best friend, on the other hand, always had a well-stocked and, above all, open drawer full of sweets and potato chips. Freely available! Guess what my friend thought about that? Exactly, she wasn't interested. She could have, but didn't want to. I, on the other hand, wasn't allowed to, but would have preferred nothing more. And what does that have to do with lust and love ? I'll tell you!

We always want those who don't want us

It's very similar with love. How often have we heard "Men I want don't want me. And I don't want the ones who want me." Alternatively, you can also replace men with women. Those who are there and make themselves available lose their appeal precisely because of this. The easier something is to have, the less interested we are in it. It doesn't seem to be worth that much. It's always said that men want to chase, so women shouldn't say yes straight away. But that doesn't just apply to men, because it's the same the other way round.

Women also want to experience the thrill and excitement of conquest! Women also want to feel that they have bagged a very special prey. It reminds me of sales and outlet stores. They live from this very principle. Back to love. As soon as the spurned man strolls past with another beautiful woman in his arms, the thought inevitably arises: "Oops, did I miss something?" Did the chocolate have a unique flavor that I hadn't noticed before? Was it even a particularly high-quality variety?

Sex thrives on playing with closeness and distance

Sex is not much different either. If your partner is always available or even offers themselves, your desire can disappear completely. And while we do everything we can to convince the other person, they withdraw more and more. But as soon as the previously active partner makes themselves scarce and we suddenly have to make an effort ourselves again, we are really fired up. Now more than ever!

This is a mechanism that many of us are probably familiar with: One person really wants to and the other doesn't. Or vice versa. This can certainly also be due to a generally different need for sex and closeness. But sex also derives its excitement from playing with closeness and distance. We want to conquer and be conquered. Sometimes the chocolate can lie open on the table. But sometimes we also want to eat the chocolate, we want to find it ourselves and then gobble it down with a ravenous appetite.

The land of milk and honey is open!

Today, all options are open to us. Perhaps too many.

- Everything that the generations before us had to laboriously and secretly steal from the cupboard, everything that caused them remorse and moral conflicts, is now openly available to us.
- In contrast to previous generations, today we can let off steam sexually. That's what the others dreamed of.
- Pretty much anything we can imagine is allowed as long as we don't violate another person's right to sexual self-determination.
- We are allowed to love several people at the same time and can have sex alone, as a couple or with several people.
- We don't need a committed relationship for this. There are official websites and apps that help us find playmates.
- We can watch porn at any time and if we feel like having love toys, we can simply buy some.

But what happens instead? The lack or even loss of sexual desire is becoming the most common sexual disorder of all. Chocolate is finally lying around everywhere. But we no longer want it. When chocolate is literally stuffed into our mouths, we simply lose our appetite. Some people simply deliberately indulge on their own because sharing becomes too much effort. They would have to agree on which chocolate to have.

Love instead of sex

And now? We have millions of singles who could happily fuck their way through life. But they don't. Instead, they want sex with love. They wait for a relationship and prefer to forego sexual adventures until then. Couples, on the other hand, regularly complain about the increasing erotic silence in the bedroom. Today, they don't even need to be married to get a free ride on the sexual rollercoaster. What's more, they have the entire drawer at their disposal. And yet they still complain about sexual boredom.

In the past, the younger generation was regularly demonized. Sturm und Drang, revolution, nothing but lust on their minds. Today, sex education and contraceptives are on the timetable. Today, young people are allowed to have sex, even with their parents' blessing. But even for them, sex has lost its urge. Studies show that young people now place more value on romance and relationships than on their lust. The Generation What youth survey shows this clearly:

- 46% are too concerned with sex.
- 30% say they could be happy without sex.
- 87% could not be happy without love.
- 43% are not interested in sex with a stranger.
- 83% are not interested in partner swapping.
- 65% are not interested in SM.

Let's do away with taboos and bans!

No, I'm not really in favor of returning to the uptight world we came from. Sexual taboos are in short supply today. That's a very good achievement of the sexual revolutions. But taboos are what make sex exciting. Taboos, prohibitions, scarcity. Quite simply because we always want to have exactly what we are not allowed or able to have.

However, times of abundance are always followed by times of regression. Politically speaking, we are in a period of social upheaval. In this respect, I am curious to see how the future will develop. Are we moving further and further apart? Or will we move closer together again? Will the drawer with the sweets stay open? Or will it be padlocked again?

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION