The small difference between porn and reality

Porn shows the way - after all, tongue gymnastics are practiced until you drop. The focus is on the blowjob. How the women seem to enjoy lapping up even the biggest cock and taking it in their mouths as far as it will go. And then the cumshot! What a pleasure, the viewer might think! Cum squirted directly into the mouth seems to be the most delicious thing there is for a woman. It's so great that they even let themselves be cummed on by many men at the same time. Don't all women secretly dream of this? No, honestly not. But so much for possible wishful thinking. So there is a huge gap between porn and reality. But what does reality look like? Do women want a blowjob of their own accord or not? And what could be the reason if they don't feel like it?

He wants to. She doesn't.

Women can actually be really hot for a blowjob - they enjoy it and decide for themselves when and with whom they want to do it. Unfortunately for a man, it can also be different. It could look like this: He wants nothing more than for her to finally take him - his best piece, his iron lance, his hard cock - into her mouth. He wants so much for her to gently surround him with her lips, glide up and down with her tongue and circle his glans. Oh, how wonderful that would be! But - she doesn't do it. She doesn't even make the slightest effort. As a little hint, he has already tried everything:

- He has pushed her head down very gently.
- He wiggled his penis back and forth and gave her the puppy dog eyes.
- He licked her until his tongue fell out of his mouth as if lifeless.

But nothing. Rien. Niente. No concession. But he doesn't want to talk about it, he's too embarrassed. Talk about sex? Oh God, just don't.

You're not alone!

This situation actually happens more often than a desperate man and the media-driven public might think. As I said, the blowjob seems to be commonplace these days and there are pages and pages of well-written instructions online. There shouldn't really be any more problems. But even the best instructions can't help if she just doesn't want to. But of course he doesn't talk about it any more than all the other men who want nothing more. And so it remains hidden that not every other man gets a blowjob, just not you. It's a shame, because it's precisely this envy of other men that can cause even more frustration.

1. hidden fears raise the inhibition threshold

But why doesn't she want to? Well, as usual, there are lots of possible reasons. For example, it could be that she simply doesn't know what to do. A blowjob is not as easy as a man imagines. And the fear of doing something wrong and embarrassing yourself runs deep. That's where we're different to you men. You charge ahead and assume that we will like what you do. We, on the other hand, sometimes prefer not to start at all. Yes, I know, of course not all men and women think like that. But it gets really traumatic when a man says afterwards: "Baby, let's practise that again!"!!! Yes, seriously, it happens, I promise. Then a woman is naturally and justifiably fed up and the next man wonders why his girlfriend doesn't fancy a blowjob.

What can you do? Practice makes perfect. But you have to get started first. If you get into it and aren't completely satisfied, then I would suggest using careful hand signals or words to encourage your partner to change direction and be gentler, firmer - or whatever you want. Try positive reinforcement and tell her what you particularly like about what she is doing. You can also do this in other situations. Praise encourages her and makes her feel good.

2. pictures in her head

It is also possible that she has already seen what porn is like before her first experience. According to a study by the UKE, 76% of 16 to 19-year-old girls surveyed have seen pornographic films or at least excerpts. And what the men do to the women there can have a frightening effect on a young woman. After all, they don't show the couple getting close to each other, kissing, touching tenderly, undressing slowly - or quickly. They are not shown

- how they look at each other.
- How they arouse each other with their hands.
- How they lust each other.

There is no love or respect between the actors, just pure physicality. At least in the usual porn. There are certainly exceptions.

I like Petra Joy's films, for example, because they try to bring emotion and respect into the action. In conventional porn, however, women are mostly portrayed as objects, reduced to their mouths, breasts and genitals. They are used. And these women do everything. They are not shown struggling with the gag reflex or possibly being in pain. When I was once allowed to watch a porn shoot, the cumshot scene became unusable because the main actress actually started to gag the moment the sperm hit her throat. You don't usually see that. Oh, lucky me!

What can a man do? So make it clear to your wife/girlfriend that you are not the guy in the porno and that she has no role to fulfill. Tell her that you'd love it if she swallowed your sperm, but that you're happy if she doesn't do it. Reassure your partner, talk to her or explain what she can do. Take an ice cream and playfully show her what you would like. Take it easy, laughter relaxes!

3. equality promotes pleasure

And then it may be that a woman is already much more experienced, but doesn't feel like giving a blowjob because she already feels inferior in the relationship. Or because she has had bad experiences. Then a penis in her mouth can intensify this feeling. Especially when a man forcibly pushes his partner's head down. This is only fun if both partners in the relationship are at eye level and enjoy playing with power and submission. Most others don't like this gesture at all. And that's why it's an absolute no-go!

What can a man do? First of all, trust needs to be established in general. And that doesn't start in bed, but in everyday life. Respect your partner, make her feel important and valuable to you. Be patient, don't demand, but give yourself first. Because only those who come of their own free will will develop a desire to give. And please don't forget: sex consists of more than oral and sexual intercourse. Tenderness is at least as important. And you can start very slowly and then build up.

4. the matter of cleanliness

Last but not least, sometimes there are simply hygienic concerns behind the lack of desire. Don't forget, a penis spends a lot of time in warm underpants. And then it is also the instrument for urinating. That's why it's important to wash and care for it. Nowadays, everything has to be completely clean anyway. And you men know what it looks like under your foreskin after a long day. If you have one. Conversely, of course, I also hear from men that they want a clean vulva that smells nice and fresh after their partner.

What can you do? Why don't you take a shower together? Soap each other up and have fun together! Clichéd coating with cream, chocolate cream or other treats not only makes the taste buds rejoice, it also takes the seriousness out of the whole thing. And that's not always conducive to good sex.

It's worth it

A blowjob really is a very sensitive subject and women need a lot of trust in their partner, especially at the beginning. It's not just about the right technique, but also about self-esteem. First times are deeply engraved in our memory and decide whether it's a hop or a skip. Do we do it again or leave it alone? Don't push and don't let yourself be pushed. Wait until the time is right. Talk about your wishes and fears. And try to take your fears with a little humor. Nobody dies if things don't go so well.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION