Part 1: What makes men happy

Three pieces of relationship wisdom

I recently met a woman who was getting married for the first time in her mid-50s. She smiled at herself, as that seems a proud age for this event. After all, many people have already been through their first divorce by this time. This woman has led an eventful life with many men and relationships and always thought that marriage was not for her. Well, how wrong you can be. Suddenly there was this one man, a few years older than her, and there was a spark. So much so that she threw her reservations overboard and is now in the middle of preparing for marriage.

We talked about the paths and detours that life can take. And she told me about her insights into what men want in relationships and why she herself is now ready for this marriage. None of this is actually anything new. But while we are stuck in our relationships and sometimes get carried away with our ideals, we tend to forget this. That's why I'll summarize it here:

Well, they may talk, but they don't want to analyze everything. They are more results-oriented in their conversations. What worked and what didn't. They want to find solutions. Women, on the other hand, talk about the how and the why. Why is something going this way or that way and why not this way or that way?

You can stand on your hind legs and put pressure on the other person. And of course it would be wonderful if your own husband also turned out to be your best friend, with whom you can talk about everything for hours on end. But you can also accept it and try to find a solution together on how to have mutually enjoyable conversations.

They want life to be beautiful. Women want that too. In fact, who doesn't want it to be beautiful? We could enjoy life and love to the full if our own inner demands didn't always get in the way. It starts with the search for a partner. We put together our dream partner like a cake. He or she should be like this or that, otherwise we won't be satisfied. And the relationship should be exactly what we want. That's why we work hard on ourselves and on our partner.

But men don't want to work hard in a relationship. They want to have it nice. Just like us.

Let's turn the "hard relationship work" into a joint development of our strengths and accept each other's weaknesses as a given. We can't change the other person, only ourselves and our attitude.

Oh no, I can hear the women saying now. Of course men aren't clairvoyant. But why are they always expected to read their partner's thoughts and desires from her eyes? When I ask: "Are you going to show him how you come?" I often get an indignant: "He must know that on his own!". Yes, but how?

How often have I heard about gifts that have gone completely wrong? What men need is a clear message:

• THIS is what I want.
• Do it THIS way.
• I'd rather stay at home tonight.

They can do something with that. However, clear announcements don't necessarily mean that women will get what they want. Because men still have free will. J They decide what they want for themselves. But at least we don't leave them out in the cold when it comes to our wishes.

Maturity has its advantages

As we get older, our expectations of our relationships grow. We know better what we want and what we don't want. However, we often get in our own way. We sort things out far too quickly, don't give the other person a chance to get to know him or her better or to have a relationship that doesn't meet our expectations in every respect. But we are also maturing and have the opportunity to realize this and become more relaxed as a result. Yes, why not? That was the sentence that the smiling bride, laughing at herself, repeated several times recently. And yes, why not? She's right!

Part 2: What makes women happy

He did it. He made an effort for her, fought for her, used his charm and finally convinced her that he was just the man for her. Maybe he didn't even have to do that much because she simply fell head over heels in love with him.

Regardless of how they found each other, he might ask himself what she expects from him now. He is already aware that everything will be different with this woman by his side. His life will be turned upside down if he lets it. He is looking forward to some things. Because hot nights with great sex, shared interests or wonderful vacations await. Others he may fear. Will she turn his apartment upside down? What might she think of his closet? Does she like his friends, his family?

And he asks himself how he can show her his love. There are certainly many ways to do this and he will use them individually and unconsciously. But there are also a few universal ideas that every woman probably wants from her partner.

1. not always wanting just the one thing

First of all, both are so hot for each other that every kiss and every hug can or even does turn into sex. They desire each other with skin and hair. At some point, however, the moment comes when she will enjoy just being held. A hot or a loving, intimate kiss can also stand on its own. This is actually very important so that there is no automatism in the sense of kissing = sex. This is a red flag for many women. They then have the feeling that it's less about them and more about the sex.

So feel free to hold back for once. This makes it much easier for your loved one to approach you when she's in the right mood.

2. actively listen and hold her in your arms

Not everyone is so good at showing their feelings. Joy and happiness are okay, but sadness is sometimes difficult to bear. Now you can't relieve your partner of her problems. Unless you are the cause of them. Then you should be willing to talk to her about it and find a solution together.

However, if the causes of the feelings lie outside the relationship, it can also be very helpful to actively listen:

• This means interjecting a "meh, I understand" or a "yes, that's really annoying" or similar every now and then.
• You can also ask questions to help you understand. "Do you mean that...." or "What exactly did he/she say then?"

This will give your partner the feeling that you are paying attention. And you show that you are trying to empathize. You can also take your loved one in your arms and hold them lovingly.

3 Don't explain the world

And please don't fall into the male bad habit of mensplaining.

• You: "What a beautiful sunset! What beautiful colors!"
• He: "Yes, that's because the light is refracted by the atmosphere. Blah blah blah..."

Do you know that? It could ruin the most romantic mood. It gets particularly bad when you try to explain something to your loved one that she clearly knows more about than you do. Then just shut up and ask her for her opinion instead and let her explain it to you. Women also enjoy it when they can share their knowledge. And your loved one is at least as much of an expert as you are. And then show her the admiration she deserves. Just as you would like her to do.

4. little attentions in between

Pay attention to everything your partner reveals about herself in everyday life:

What preferences does she have?

• What movies does she like?
• What books does she read?
• What music does she like to listen to?
• Does she have favorite flowers?
• What kind of coffee does she prefer, what cold cuts or cheese does she like to eat, where does she like to shop?

And then surprise her with little gifts. Invite her to a new movie, buy the right ingredients for breakfast, cook her favorite meal, bring her a flower just like that, put on her music, take a look at her favorite book and surprise her with a quote. It's not about spending a lot of money. Show that you are interested in her and take her wishes into account. And of course it should be the same the other way round.

5. support with the offspring

When lovers become parents, everything changes once again. This is when life is really turned upside down. This is even more true for women than for men. Not only do they bear the children, they also usually take much more intensive care of the child, despite all the parental leave options available to men. Many stay at home for the time being, giving up their job and social contacts.

How nice it is when a man is aware of this and supports his loved one. Both mentally and practically. In most cases, it's not even about sharing all the duties equally, but simply about being there, listening to her, relieving her of tasks and telling her how great she's doing and how proud he is of the new family!

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION