It's just stupid for those who don't have sex. Conversely, do they get sick? Or does auto-eroticism also count? It's also stupid for all those people who ascribe themselves to the asexual category and can't even get pleasure from their own bodies. Phew, what are they doing? Replacement medication? And can I actually get rid of the flu, cancer or depression with sex? Supposedly, people who have a lot of sex live longer. Am I missing a few years because I've also had sexless phases in my life? Is that like pension contributions? Or can I quickly add a few more years to my life? Off to the swingers club! I'll get a lot together very quickly!
If only it were that easy. But it's not.
Oh no, of course it's not quite like that. You can't beat diseases or stop ageing with sex. But regular sex is at least good for body and soul. At least if it's fun! Bad sex probably doesn't help anyone. The mutual exchange of bodily fluids may strengthen the immune system. But on the other hand, it also leads to dissatisfaction and possibly even depression. This in turn weakens the immune system far too much for sex to make up for it. I also read that sex keeps you fit. Wow, there's no need for a gym membership. But how exactly should sex take place in order to have a positive effect? British researchers have allegedly discovered that couples who have sex three times a week for a year consume the calories of "six fat Big Macs a week". So you can only do this if you keep at it. So a Bic Mac at the beginning and then sex later? And is quick coitus enough for that? That would be an argument in favor of premature ejaculation. With just three times a minute a week, you consume 3000 calories a week! Wow! What efficiency! However, in order to reduce the risk of heart attack in men and the risk of heart attack and stroke in women, sex has to give the heart a good boost. So sweating is definitely the order of the day here. Oh yes, away with prostate cancer! Here too, sex is said to reduce the risk by increasing testosterone levels. And get rid of breast cancer too. What, you have a lump in your breast? Well, you must not have slept enough with your partner! Or with whoever.
Sex is also supposed to help with headaches. Has anyone here ever had a really bad tension headache? Honestly, when I have them, I don't feel like doing anything, let alone physical activity. It's usually accompanied by mild nausea. In the end, only tablets help. And if they do, I'd rather eat ten strawberries at that moment. They contain a natural substance that is related to acetylsalicylic acid - the ingredient in many painkillers. And what's more, it would be even nicer if he told her to go to bed when she might be using the headache as an excuse not to have sex. That would be counterproductive, so to speak.
Kissing researchers, on the other hand, advise extensive kissing, as this prevents tooth decay and periodontal disease. I don't find that idea so erotic. Kissing against visits to the dentist? I also read somewhere that mothers transfer tooth decay bacteria to their children if they lick the spoon themselves before feeding. What then?
Apparently, sex can also prevent food cravings. So why go on a diet? The happiness hormones released by sex make you forget any desire for chocolate, they say. Great! I'll take that up with the WeightWatchers. One sex session equals so many points and then no more cravings. They can change their whole program right away. Of course, I'm hoping that this will also apply to autoeroticism. Not because of me, of course. After all, I don't do that sort of thing.
But it gets even better: sex also makes us look younger! It's amazing! Sex instead of Botox! There's also a study on this, of course. The University of Edinburgh has found that couples who have sex regularly look up to seven years younger!!! I'm freaking out! It doesn't say exactly how often "regularly" means. Regularly once a year would also be "regularly", wouldn't it? It's a bit more specific here, "if you do it three times a week, you can even add ten years"! I'll ask my table neighbors here on the Elbe how old they think I am. Then they could calculate how often I have sex. The intake of vital substances (does anyone here know exactly what that means?) and the reduction of stress hormones are the cause of this rejuvenation. And, oh my god, sex can even delay menopause and slow down the ageing process of cells!!!! Now I'm really going to faint! After all, it shouldn't actually be that much longer before it starts for me. Fiddlesticks, the menopause can kiss my ass. Alzheimer's and osteoporosis too, by the way. After all, I'm having sex!
Sex should be fun and not misused for other purposes
That did me good. To really let my hair down. But it's also really upsetting what sex isn't supposed to be good for! Why can't we just sleep together because we feel like it? Because we want each other, we want a relaxing orgasm, we want to make love? Why does someone always have to come and say that we should do something for health reasons? Where's the fun in that? At the end of the day, we're really still wearing bumpers during sex in order to burn enough calories and keep the pump going. That's what sport is for, people! It's like alcohol. The Russians say vodka in the morning protects against this, the French say red wine in the evening protects against it and the Germans have beer, which is supposed to be so incredibly healthy. I'll have one now. Cheers!
Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION