Are you one of those men

• who want nothing more than for their partner to orgasm during sex?
• whose partner doesn't succeed, no matter how hard they try?
• who are disappointed and doubt their qualities as a lover?
• who think something is wrong with their partner?
• who perhaps even fear that their partner doesn't really love them?

Then you should definitely read on! Because many things are different than men think. And it's not all that bad. Because firstly, an orgasm is no indicator of good sex and secondly, it always takes two.

When exactly doesn't she come?

"Stupid question, during sex", you're probably thinking. But what does sex mean to you? In most cases, this problem is about a woman not climaxing during intercourse. But isn't sex something more? Sometimes our focus is so narrowly focused on a goal that we don't even notice what's going on around it.

Many lovers have a picture in their heads of how sex should work: They kiss, fumble a bit and put it in. Him, the penis. And then after a certain amount of time - not too fast, but not too long either - they should both come, preferably even at the same time. But that's exactly what usually doesn't work. That's why you should put this fantasy out of your mind for the time being.

Women often ask themselves the same questions

You are not alone with this question. Women often face exactly the same problem: "I don't come during sex", they often say. And here, too, I ask:

• "When exactly don't you come? Do you also not come when your partner uses his hands or tongue?"
• "Yes, but then it works!"

So they do come. And that's wonderful! Unfortunately, these orgasms are often not considered equal by women themselves. This is due to the outdated view that only a vaginal orgasm is a real orgasm.

From a purely physiological point of view, however, this distinction is nonsense. And socially too. Above all, this idea is very male-oriented. Because for men, sexual intercourse is actually quite a goal-oriented affair. But not for women. Most of them don't reach orgasm by simply going in and out. No matter how big or small the penis may be. So you're not alone. Incidentally, this ideal image also excludes quite a few beautiful things. After all, how arousing can it be to bring your lover to climaxwith your hands or tongue while you watch? And you let her spoil you afterwards ?

The right preparation

Speaking of arousal. For men, this is essential for sexual intercourse, because without it there is no erection. However, women can also have sex without being aroused. But it's not quite as much fun and, above all, it's far less orgasmic. So this could also be the problem.

But why do women have sex even though they're not quite ready yet?

• They want to be close to their partner and be loved by them.
• Sometimes they just need a little more time.

If you're ready to get started, you'd better make sure that your loved one is just as ready. If not, then perhaps you should wait a little longer. And then think about the little clitoral pearl. Because if this extremely sensitive area is not touched properly, most women are simply missing something. It's as if your glans isn't involved in sex. Now you understand, don't you!

The right position

You can choose a position in which this is possible. The riding position, for example. Your lover can tilt her pelvis back and forth so that the clitoris rubs against your pubic bone. If you are experienced, you can also try this out in other positions.

The right movement

The extremely sensitive vaginal entrance is also important. A lover who thrusts in here in Duracell mode is likely to give his partner less pleasure than one who massages it with his penis in a circular motion. What's more, there's nothing wrong with your partner doing it herself. After all, she knows best what she needs at the moment. Or you can support her. 

Take the pressure off

So, we've established that sex is more than intercourse and that every orgasm is fully valid, no matter where it seems to come from and whether it happens alone or as a couple. So realize that your partner may climax with you in other ways and pat yourself on the back for it instead of feeling sorry that she doesn't come the way you think she should.

After all, sex should be fun and not turn into work. And you can't win by achieving a goal. On the contrary, you will only put yourself and your lover under unnecessary pressure. Sex doesn't work under pressure. And if your lover doesn't come at all, it may be due to the position, arousal, disregard for her most important organ of pleasure or simply because she doesn't know what she needs. In this case, you can read the next article, which is about women being responsible for their own pleasure.

"Pleasure and orgasm: girls, get what you need!"

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION