Alexithymia: learning to interpret the signs
"When my aunt called me last year to tell me that my grandma had died, she made a long pause on the phone. I knew she was expecting a reaction from me. She kept quiet so that I had time to express my grief. But I didn't feel anything. So I hung up."
Miriam has suffered from alexithymia, or emotional blindness, for many years. This is the inability to feel. This deficit is officially declared to be a personality trait. However, experts have long been calling for alexithymia to be recognized as an illness. This is because partners and relatives in particular suffer from the symptoms of alexithymia.
Miriam attends her grandmother's funeral. After all, she has been with her for almost her entire life. When her mother died, Miriam was still a child. Her father was completely overwhelmed and placed his daughter in the care of his mother-in-law a few years later. Miriam finally found a loving home with her. But although she gave her so much affection, Miriam is unable to grieve at her grandmother's funeral - these are the typical symptoms of alexithymia.
"I remember sitting among all the sobbing people and feeling absolutely nothing. I looked at the people around me, how they were crying and distraught. A few times, when someone looked over at me, I also pretended to cry and held a handkerchief to my face."
Miriam mimics other people's emotions. She always does this when she doesn't know how a situation should actually feel - a classic tool used by people who suffer from emotional blindness. They try to hide their alexithymia symptoms and inability to show feelings as best they can.
"That helps me. I establish a certain connection with people. Because most people react with a lack of understanding for my situation. I was approached time and time again. How I can be so unemotional and whether I really don't care about anything. But it's not like that."
Miriam enjoys being with her friends, for example. When she sees how the others react, Miriam does the same and imitates what they do. This makes her feel close to them, even if she can't understand why they behave the way they do.
At some point between the ages of 11 and 14, it becomes clear that Miriam is different from her classmates. This is when the first signs of alexithymia appeared, but no one knew how to interpret them at first.
"I make a lot of decisions rationally and not emotionally. When I was at school, this meant that I chose my friends based on how many toys they had or whether they were good at school. That may sound selfish to other people, but it was the only criteria that made sense to me."
At some point, the teachers also realized that something was wrong with Miriam. They are irritated that Miriam - unlike the other girls her age - doesn't show any feelings at all. But over time they come to terms with the fact that Miriam is simply a little emotionless. At the time, however, she was still a long way from being diagnosed with emotional blindness. Miriam had her first boyfriend at 24. "It really wasn't easy. Everything came from him. When he said 'I love you' to me for the first time, I parroted it back to him. But I didn't feel anything. He was interesting, had a lot to say, but did I love him? I can't say," admits the woman from Dresden.
Miriam becomes a perfect actress who covers up her symptoms of alexithymia. She learns to do what her boyfriend expects of her. "Like the other women, I wanted to be with a partner. Not because it would have hurt me without a boyfriend, but because I didn't want to be constantly asked why I was so emotionally cold. At some point, I ended up breaking up. Having to watch what I say all the time was too exhausting for me." In her everyday life and with her colleagues, things are a little easier. "On amore objective level, it's fine."
But her boss at the law firm also notices that Miriam is a very rational person. Miriam seems to her as if none of this affects her. An accusation that many people who are emotionally blind are confronted with. "But that's not true. My work as a paralegal is very interesting, I just can't show it. My boss complained that I only ever speak in one tone of voice. I hadn't noticed that myself."
Miriam has been undergoing therapy for a few months now. "My new boyfriend asked me to go. I want to please him. So I go there. The therapist says that I suffered a trauma when I lost my mother and that I'll be able to overcome it at some point. Maybe then I'll finally be able to feel something - just like everyone else."
Alexithymia: tips and information on the topic
There are only a few studies that deal with the topic of alexithymia. Here are the most important findings:
What is alexithymia, and how does it affect you?
Those affected cannot feel any emotions. Experts therefore describe them as "emotionally blind". They lack access to their inner self. However, the people affected are perfectly capable of understanding and processing highly complex issues. In Germany, alexithymia is not considered an illness, but a personality trait.
How many people are affected in Germany?
In the largest German alexithymia study to date, conducted by the Universities of Leipzig and Düsseldorf with 1,800 participants, researchers found that one in ten of the German population exhibits clear signs of emotional blindness. And studies have shown that Women are affected more often than men.
Where does the inability to feel something come from?
Scientists assume that the limbic system in the brain is not properly connected to the prefrontal cortex. Normally, the feeling of fear is expressed as follows: we see a crocodile, for example. The amygdala, a part of the limbic system, sounds the alarm. Adrenaline and cortisol are released, the heart beats faster. We instinctively take flight. The prefrontal cortex perceives our fear as anxiety: we know that the racing heart in the situation is a fear signal. This is why the heartbeat slows down again when the danger has passed. This process does not take place in people who are emotionally blind. Although they feel the palpitations, they cannot associate them with an emotion.
Is this a neurological disorder?
Alexithymia is not congenital. And it can have two triggers. Those affected either never learned to admit their feelings as a child, or they have forgotten how to do so because of a traumatic event. Psychotherapy can usually help and even cure the emotional blindness.
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