Separating families: child wants to live with the father

As a mother, all you want is for your child to be well, healthy and happy. Even if that means that they would rather not live with you? Until a few years ago, the question of whether to live with mom or dad after separation was rarely asked. But today, more and more children want to be with their father, and more and more fathers are demanding the right to be more than just a once-every-two-weeks-at-the-weekend solution for their child. But what does it mean for a mother if dad becomes more important and she is no longer allowed to be there for her child every day? Mothers have not failed just because their child now wants to live with their father. And yet for many women it probably feels exactly like that - as if they have failed. But why do some mothers find it difficult to accept that children also want to be with their fathers - after all, they are parents too! Do many mothers unconsciously have a kind of possessive claim to their children - or do they sometimes not allow fathers a little more family happiness when they feel hurt by him? Is it even possible to be objective?

Barbara (45) from Recklinghausen: "I'm afraid of losing Moritz completely"

"He had just turned 15 when he stood in front of me with a travel bag and a large suitcase. I was so shocked that I didn't look at his

couldn't say anything back. A few minutes later, my ex-husband picked up our son - and he was gone.

It took me a few days before I called Moritz for the first time. When I heard his voice, I immediately started crying. I asked him what I had done wrong. I didn't get a sensible answer. How could I? From a pubescent teenager who was trying to take the easy way out.

And somehow I could understand him: His father and I had split up four years ago after 13 years together. My ex Hannes and I quickly decided that daughter Alice (11) and son Moritz should live with me. They spent the weekend with their father every two weeks. That worked quite well at first, but I gradually realized that Moritz was always very moody after these two days. He was simply allowed to do more with dad. But I didn't mean him any harm, I just thought that children had to stick to certain rules. It's now almost a whole year since he moved out. And now it's me who only sees Moritz every two weeks. And even then he seems absent. I hope I don't lose my son. I miss him so much."

Tatjana (31) from Wilhelmshaven: "Our 50-50 model works quite well"

"I met a friend the other day while shopping. We were standing together for a moment when my son came over. He greeted me and we hugged. Then he told me what he was planning to do today. I listened attentively. After a few minutes, we said goodbye again. My friend immediately asked: Why don't you know what your child is doing? Yes, good question. Why doesn't a mother know what her child is doing? Quite simply because my Samuel is living with his father Bruno this week.

Bruno and I got together when we were both still relatively young. I got pregnant when I was 24. Admittedly, it wasn't the perfect time, but the decision to have our son was made immediately. My boyfriend was still a student and I wasn't exactly earning much as a sales assistant. But somehow we managed. But after four years, we grew apart. We separated. But it was clear to both of us: no one should have to miss out on time with our son. So we shared custody 50/50. What can I say: it's worked for almost two years now. Nevertheless, it breaks my heart every time I take Samuel back to Bruno after a week. I just don't feel like a complete mother."

How can you deal with the situation?

First of all, it's important to find out why the child prefers to live with their father. For example, is it going through puberty and wants to separate itself from its mother? Is the child being bullied at school and therefore perhaps prefers to live with dad? There can be many reasons behind this, so communication is very important. A trial stay with the father, for example during the vacations, could also give the child an impression of what it would be like to live with dad. The situation is difficult for everyone involved. Nevertheless, the parents should communicate with each other, because in the end it's all about acting in the child's best interests. The child should feel comfortable and not become a pawn in their parents' dispute.

Can the child decide where it wants to live?

The following rules apply to the right to determine where the child lives and the child's wishes:

• When it comes to the question of where the child should live in the future after a separation, the right of residence determination applies in the case of joint custody.
• According to the law, a child may only decide where it wants to live when it reaches the age of 18 - even against the will of the parents.
• One parent can apply for sole right of residence at any time. The children are then heard on the basis of Section 159 of the Family Procedure Act (FamFG). The hearing in accordance with Section 159 FamFG must always take place on the child's 14th birthday.
• The basis of the judicial decision on the sole right of residence should always be the best interests of the child and not the interests of the parents.
• When it comes to rights of access, the child's wishes can be taken into account from the age of 12.

Sources and more information on the right of residence determination on Scheidung.de, Anwaltsauskunft.de and Netpapa.de.

Shared custody: What rights and obligations do mothers and fathers have?

With shared custody, parents have rights and obligations that they always exercise jointly. Whether one parent is allowed to make decisions alone depends on whether they concern matters of daily life or of particular importance. This includes decisions that are not final and are also limited in time. For example, a parent can decide alone on the following issues:

• Food/nutrition
• Clothing
• Everyday life at school
• Pocket money
• TV and cell phone times
• Bedtimes
• Daily medical care, e.g. visits to the dentist or minor treatments

All decisions that go beyond this must be made jointly by the parents. Decisions of particular importance include, for example

• Moving to another city
• Career choice/vocational training
• Religious affiliation
• Asset management
• Major medical interventions

Source: Advocado.de

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