The road there is sometimes very rocky. All those who have difficulties with orgasm know this. Too early, too late, only under very specific conditions. It doesn't matter, the main thing is that they come in the end. No matter how sweaty it was. On the other hand, you can have an orgasm almost entirely without sex. One thought, one erection, one move and ooooooh aaaaah! A man doesn't need anyone but himself for that.

So is that still sex at all? Or rather a very effective method of relieving pressure? And isn't the formula sex = orgasm perhaps a little too narrow? What do men miss out on when they have one goal in mind and want to keep the journey there as short as possible? And what could happen if they don't achieve their goal?

Fumble, insert, come, fall asleep

Where does this widespread fixation on orgasm come from? Who actually says that it MUST be the crowning glory? Of course we could explain it in evolutionary terms. After all, the purpose of male ejaculation is to fertilize an egg and thus ensure the continuation of the species. But if that were the only reason, we would probably only have sex very rarely. And we certainly wouldn't enjoy it as much.

William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, the pioneers of sex research, researched the sexual response cycle in the 1960s. That was great at the time, because we knew next to nothing about what happens in our bodies during sex. With the division into the

- increasing arousal phase,
- the pleasurable plateau phase,
- the tension-releasing orgasm
- and the subsequent recovery phase

they have also standardized our sex to a certain extent. Because a certain routine has become ingrained in our minds: Fumble, insert, come, fall asleep. I'll simplify a little for the sake of clarity.

The images in our heads limit us

If you don't know Masters and Johnson, you still know exactly what I'm talking about. Because even in mainstream pornography, we keep coming across exactly this sequence of events. Bumping, yes exactly ;) And so that everyone can really see that things are finally coming to an end, both women and men ejaculate in brilliant outpourings. However, this process puts men in particular under a lot of pressure to perform. They want/need to function and prove their masculinity. It doesn't even occur to them that it could be different! But by fixating on orgasm as the climax of lovemaking, they deprive themselves of the opportunity to discover themselves in other pleasurable ways.

Being a man with pleasure

Sure, I'm a woman. And sure, I can talk a lot when I don't have a penis myself. And yes, I really don't know what it's like when the sperm is just waiting to be shot out, when the bullet is already in the barrel, so to speak. But I also know what it's like when a man takes his time and turns a more or less short journey into a long uphill and downhill trip. And that is wonderful. And it's not always just about having sex with a partner. Men can also feel so much more when they are alone. If you don't believe me, I'd like to recommend a book: Lustvoll Mann sein by Saleem Matthias Riek and Rainer Salm.

The two authors interviewed 15 men about their sexuality. The result is a collection of interviews in which men talk about how they discovered their sexuality. They talk about

- Touching the heart,
- of opening up,
- of blossoming,
- of ecstasy,
- of the flow of energy,
- the allure of delay,
- of autoeroticism,
- of the prostate pleasure center
- and the many facets of sexual richness.

I would like to quote one man in particular: "I can have wonderful, fulfilling sex without coming. I wouldn't even say without orgasm. I can understand women today who don't know exactly whether they had an orgasm or not. It's not like being pregnant or not being pregnant. There is a smooth transition from a highly aroused float to an orgasm. (....) If I make myself cum after a few minutes, then the energy is down, but if I build it up slowly, let it flow all the way to my toes, then the drop in energy is less. If I don't cum at all, I often feel like I could tear out trees for hours or even days. I'm surprised that competitive athletes haven't figured this out yet. If I was a professional footballer, I would know how to dope myself naturally."

I think this illustrates very well the possibilities that lie beyond the usual sexual response cycle.

Absorb the sexual energy

Women are much more likely than men to say that sex is enjoyable even without a climax. Of course, many don't even climax. But they are still quite right, because sex can actually be very fulfilling and satisfying. But only if we don't feel the pressure to come, regardless of whether we're a man or a woman. If we decide to have this experience ourselves and take a much closer look at the process.

Because sex is not just pure lust and horniness. Sex is a form of communication. And it is energy. We are very close to the other person. We use touch to communicate how we feel about the other person. We express feelings. When a penis penetrates a woman, it's a wonderful feeling for that woman. And, of course, arousing. At that moment, however, something happens not only on a physical level, but also in the emotions that goes beyond that. The pleasure can spread throughout the whole body. They are together, inside each other, very close. You get something in return. For many men, this emotional intensity is what makes sex really good. And you can do it without an orgasm.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION