I don't have conversations like that very often. I like to ask whether the woman herself knows how to reach orgasm. If the answer is not clear, it becomes clear that she really has no idea what is good for her. Of course, it's easy to pass the buck and then complain. That doesn't happen anymore, do you think? Oh yes, much more than you might think. So what should she do? Quite simply: discover herself! Masturbation can be many things, but above all it's a sure-fire way of exploring your own desires and being able to be more honest about them when having sex with your partner. And is there one ultimate method on the way to the peak of pleasure? No, there are actually many!

The diversity of female desire

Every woman does it differently. If you look at the overwhelming range of vibrators and dildos on offer, you could almost believe that women prefer to stick things inside themselves. But that's not quite true. In the early 1950s, sex researcher Alfred Kinsey found in a survey of 6,000 women that 95% reached orgasm during masturbation. That's a pretty good figure. 84% came through stimulation of the clitoris and inner labia and only 20% through the insertion of fingers or objects into the vagina. In the mid-70s, feminist sex researcher Shere Hite discovered something similar. Now you could argue that these figures are outdated and that the vagina was not exactly a source of pleasure in times of forced marital intercourse. That's true. But it does show that women treat their bodies differently than the male ego would wish. I apologize, but the penis is not that important for female pleasure. Maybe that will relax you a little.

Then we also have the G-spot, this collection of prostate-like tissue that nestles around the urethra. This area swells when you feel pleasure and causes many a woman to feel pleasure. Those who are sensitive here can not only experience a special climax through targeted stimulation, but may also ejaculate. But only those who are sensitive here. And not all women are. Some women feel nothing at all and others only feel the urge to urinate. And still others only find this secret spot with one particular partner and not with the next. And not every woman finds it desirable to actually wet the bed with her own ejaculation. Apart from the fact that, unlike male ejaculation, squirting does not necessarily have to be associated with an orgasm. The G-spot is therefore a somewhat unreliable address for a safe orgasm.

Hotspot number one is and remains the clitoris

Thanks to the Australian surgeon Helen O'Connell, we have known since 1998 (!) that the clitoris extends far beyond the visible and highly sensitive tip into the interior of the body with a tubular erectile tissue up to ten centimetres long and surrounds the vaginal entrance and the urethra. So if we stimulate this little pearl with its 8000 nerve endings at the upper end of the inner labia, this is the safest way to an orgasm. And what can we use? Our hands, the back of the sofa, a targeted jet of water, lay-on vibrators that nestle nicely against the body, all other vibrators. Speaking of lay-on vibrators, I think the developers could invest a little more work in this area. Because we definitely need more of them!

The wonderful world of sexual variety

Put it on, stick it in, rub it around? There is no magic formula for the best masturbation. Which is a good thing, because it means we have so many more options and can always discover something new. Our preferences can also change over time. And then there are always new toys. Yippee, there's always something new to discover if we're willing to experiment! Let's not leave our lust to someone else, let's take it into our own hands! Let's fire up our imaginations and let our fantasies run wild. And once we've done that, let our partner in on it. He's sure to love it.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION