"Men just want sex." We all know that phrase, don't we? Deep down, we know that it's not true in this simplistic and generalized way. That it can't be true at all, as there are far too many men who feel and think completely differently. And no one can tell me that this often-cited genetic program is running and depriving them of any options for action. After all, we have a cerebrum that gives us the gift of consciousness. This enables us to act on our own responsibility.

And so men are also more than just the sum of their parts. Nevertheless, this prejudice haunts our minds. And unfortunately, we all limit ourselves with it, men and women alike. What we need is greater openness towards male and female pleasure.

Are women the better men?

We women are quick to explain sex when we don't feel valued enough or have once again "fallen for" a one-night stand. We are only too happy to forget that the latter always involves two people and that the purpose of a one-night stand is to have sex without commitment. This also allows us to directly shift any blame for unbridled lust away from ourselves. At the same time, we also elevate ourselves morally above men. After all, we women are the good guys, we have feelings and want the whole man and not just his body.

Men on the other hand, well, they're simple-minded and only have one thing on their minds: sex. Sometimes that's true. But don't we feel the same way from time to time? Don't we also feel this lust, this irrepressible desire? Now, here in this place and as immediately as possible? Don't we sometimes just want to have sex without a lot of emotional fuss? Unfortunately, we are socially calibrated not to allow such feelings. To this day, women who live out their lust without restraint are still far too often regarded as licentious.

The power of a good reputation

City dwellers may disagree with this. And yes, in the anonymity of the big cities, women can also be much more adventurous. But let's take a look at the small towns, the villages, the countryside, where everyone knows everyone else. Where the neighbors know exactly who is coming home when and with whom. People smile about the man. "Oh, him again. No woman can resist him. He just needs the right one to come along and he'll settle down." The other way around? Oh oh.
Bitch. This term has lost none of its topicality and, above all, none of its hurtfulness. Especially from other women. There may be a certain amount of envy here and there. It's a great defense mechanism to criticize the other person for what a woman doesn't dare to do herself. Unfortunately, this way of thinking also prevents women from getting to the bottom of their own lust. After all, WE are decent.

And it's not just about lust outside the relationship. Even within the relationship, many a man feels like he's been run over if his lover has a higher libido than he does. Why is that? Because it is often said that women have less desire than men. Women want love and tenderness. Women want to make love and cuddle. Women's sexuality seems to be so pure, while animalistic desire is all too readily attributed to men. Perhaps the appeal of the classic porn gender roles lies precisely in this. Because women are not so pure here. Here they want to be taken and really rammed through. And without having to have a guilty conscience. Neither he nor she.

Women want to be desired. But only on their terms

Are lust and sex really something a man defines himself by? Or don't we women also define men by it? Let's turn it around. Let's imagine we meet a man who doesn't want sex. A man who doesn't lure us into his or our bedroom after the first, second or third date. What do we women think then? The first thing that probably comes to mind is that we're not attractive enough. Because if we were, he would rip our clothes off. So we flirt for all we're worth and are not stingy with our charms. If he actually comes on to us, we turn it around and accuse him of being the only thing he's interested in. Especially if he doesn't want to get into a relationship with us right away. "You see, I knew it! Men only want one thing!" Of course, we ignore our part in the supposed misery.

Or we meet a particularly empathetic man. He asks us what we want. He tries to read our most secret wishes from our eyes and is particularly attentive. He puts his own needs aside to satisfy us. He is not a sex monster at all. He kneels down and asks us to marry him. Then what? Then he doesn't seem manly enough to us. Because a man stands by his needs and takes what he wants. That means us. Not least, this explains the success of stories like Shades of Grey. I'm exaggerating a little. But we can see that he doesn't really stand a chance.

Men only want one thing

So do men really only want sex? That certainly applies to certain personalities. But that also raises the question of why. Why does a man only want sex? Is it pure lust? Or is it the fear of being too close? Because reducing the action to the physical also keeps the other person at a distance. And it's difficult to allow feelings when masculinity is associated with strength, power and genital pleasure, both internally and externally.

In the end, women do not allow their lust and men cannot access their feelings. And so this prejudice that men only want one thing is also highly problematic for themselves. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If only those who openly show their desire and are always sexually ready are considered masculine, then everyone else is unmanly. Then having sex is part of your self-image. And then it is difficult to allow other feelings. But there is something that men want more than sex. Men also just want to arrive and be accepted. They want to be loved and be able to let go. But this is not perceived as masculine behavior on either side. But we women have to allow them this opportunity. So we also have to change our attitude. If we allow ourselves to feel and live out our lust, we can also allow men to be masculine and find their safe haven in lust.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION