Meg Ryan has perfected the art of faking orgasms, which she memorably demonstrated for all time in "Harry and Sally": "Aaaah, aaaaaaaah, aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!" Any more questions? "Honey, was that just real?" Anyone who seriously asks this after a (real or fake) brilliant climax will rightly get a slap on the wrist. No, of course, faking orgasms is my specialty. I faked something for you and I'm happy to admit that now... And anyone who thinks that only women are masters at it and that men can't do it is wrong. Because seriously, what woman or man is going to look for evidence of a real orgasm in the heat of the moment? Lubricants, condoms, towels and alcohol are real evidence killers anyway. So faking an orgasm is unisexual. The only question is why we use our acting skills in such a sophisticated way here of all places. And are we dealing with a white lie or a serious breach of trust?
Faking an orgasm because openness is so difficult
Both and. But let's first clarify why so many people fake orgasms in the first place. And there is a small difference between men and women. The usual sex routine, which has almost been cemented by erotic films, is as follows: Foreplay (sometimes more, sometimes less pronounced), penetration (perhaps in different positions), orgasm (much more often on the man's part), possibly some cuddling. Far too often she doesn't get her chance here. Which doesn't mean that she doesn't like it. According to the Viennese doctor and sex therapist Dr. Elia Bragagna, half of women are satisfied even without a climax. Nevertheless, orgasm seems to be the indicator of good sex. If she doesn't come, he may think he wasn't that good or that she has a problem. She wants to avoid both and therefore faking orgasms is a common practice. She liked it and would like to come, but it doesn't work like that, or not yet. And not under pressure anyway. Of course you could talk about it. Maybe not immediately, but there would be a good time. That would also be the ideal solution. What does she want differently, what can he do? But talking is not that easy. The question is whether he sees it as criticism or motivation. So she keeps quiet and pretends. She wants to give him the feeling that he's a really good lover.
He, on the other hand, is not a machine either. Contrary to popular belief, men can't always come. Tiredness, headaches with the stress of everyday life, a drop in stamina, loss of desire in the middle of the wildest coitus - how can you explain this to your partner? After all, we women tend to take things like this personally. No more desire? Have I done something wrong? Do you no longer find me attractive? Of course there are exceptions. But just to avoid the possibility of such a conversation, we prefer to pretend. It's much less stressful. And he doesn't want to hurt her. But he doesn't want to look like a failure either. And nothing works under pressure here either.
Faking an orgasm doesn't just fool the other person
If we're in a one-night stand, it might not matter that much. And if we only do it once in a while, it certainly doesn't hurt anyone. It becomes problematic when the white lie becomes permanent. Because the longer we hide something, the more difficult it becomes to talk straight. And nobody wants to seriously hurt the other person. But I have spoken to women who have been faking orgasms with their steady partner for years. Over and over again. This can actually be a serious breach of trust for the partner. After all, he has been lied to for years. THAT feeds self-doubt! And THAT hurts!
And what does faking an orgasm do to the person who doesn't manage to tell the truth? At some point, the desire fades. Sex again? Again I have to pretend something that I don't like at all? This causes stress and discomfort in the long term. After all, there are dormant needs that are not being acted out. Maybe she wants him to spend much more time with her breasts or clitoris. Perhaps intense French kissing would get her going. Or simply a different position. But she doesn't dare say that. Maybe he doesn't like her jumping into the shower straight after sex and that turns him off so much that he can't come.
The courage to be open stimulates lust
It takes courage to reveal yourself and broach the subject of faking an orgasm. No question about it. And maybe the other person doesn't think what we want is so great. But what he or she will definitely find great is that we stand by our desires. And then really go for it. And often it's not even about unusual practices. Isn't it much better to talk about our desires and, with luck, live them out than to never say anything and bob around in the lower midfield? Talking about each other also creates a bond. We know from everyday life that the other person can't read our minds. Only during sex is that supposed to be possible. "He must know what I want. My previous boyfriend knew that too." Yes, that may be true. But if the new guy doesn't know, she has to tell or show him differently. And you can read how to do this here: "Talking about sex".
Anja Drews - sexologist for ORION