There are all sorts of explanations when it comes to our love life!

- If you believe the neuroendocrinologists, we seem to be remote-controlled by our hormones.
- If you believe the evolutionary biologists, it is our evolutionary history that almost inevitably predetermines our actions.
- Finally, there are the psychologists who believe that we follow certain laws in our behavior.
- And then there's the menopause, when we women completely lose control of ourselves anyway.

Yes, well, the latter is only meant to cheer us up ☺. But there is always an explanation from one side as to why we behave this way or that and can't help it. As if we were not responsible for our own actions.

Are we humans monogamous by nature? Or are we evolutionary side jumpers? In the animal kingdom, there are such oft-cited species as voles, where some live one way and others another. But can we really draw conclusions from the love lives of voles about how we behave in love affairs? And are we really as at the mercy of our Stone Age past and our hormones as we are led to believe? Aren't we far too complex in the way we think, feel and act?

Is it the hormones?

Studies have shown that women prefer more masculine, more striking men around the time of ovulation. They seem to have the better genes, with which they can ensure healthier offspring. Hmm. That may be so. But the fact that women find a man particularly attractive during this time doesn't mean that they're going to pounce on him without restraint in order to instantly mix their genetic material with his. On the contrary, there are plenty of women who deliberately avoid these men for various reasons. Incidentally, almost half of all women use the pill for contraception. This is exactly what prevents ovulation.

But this could be a great explanation for cuckoo children: The reliable partner at home, the attractive guy next door for the perfect offspring. Then we wouldn't have to worry about morals, hurtful behavior or problems in the relationship. After all, it was the hormones we are at the mercy of that were responsible.

The voice difference theory

A recently published study on the voice differences between men and women is interpreted by the researchers to mean that "people should probably not be regarded as fundamentally monogamous and are more polygamously oriented than assumed." Well then.

Is it the genes?

There are also dissenting voices to this theory. Evolutionary psychologist David Buss, for example, believes that female chastity and male horniness are determined by predetermined, genetically coded factors. In other words, genes are responsible for female restraint in sexual matters.

➢ Women would therefore be genetically condemned to monogamy.
➢ And men would have a free pass for sexual licentiousness.

Oh yes, that's right, population explosion or not, they want to spread their genes as widely as possible because of their Stone Age past. But why then are there an increasing number of women and men who have no desire to have children? After all, the reproductive instinct seems to have been driving us through the world for millions of years.

Is it society?

Well, we are not simply remote-controlled by our genes. Our socialization, i.e. the way we grow up, the values and norms we learn, as well as the society we live in, also determine our behaviour.

And so it has finally been discovered that women's lust is not only determined by genes and hormones, but above all by social and internalized prohibitions. Because what is not allowed is perceived as such. Christian society was and is very hostile to lust, especially when it comes to women. And we are not so quick to shake off our social heritage.

We have the power to decide our behavior

In my opinion, whether someone cheats or not cannot be determined by a genetic or hormonal disposition. Nor by gender. The question is rather: do I personally want to live a monogamous or polygamous life? In the past, it was simply assumed that infidelity was a male domain. New research has shown that women are just as prone to it as men. But whether we actually put it into practice is our decision alone.

What is more important to you?

- My relationship or my lust?
- Does the increased self-esteem outweigh the breach of trust?
- Can I perhaps even live with several partners?

The type of partner we like may also be determined by hormones at certain times. But who we actually choose for our lives has a lot to do with our experiences. It's not for nothing that some people choose the "wrong one" again and again. Once you become aware of these decisions, you can actually and fortunately take countermeasures. We live in a world that gives us an incredible amount of freedom. Let's use them and not blame our genes and hormones for our decisions!

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION