Naturally, I thought about what I could do with this saying. It came to me immediately: What do we actually get aroused by? Skin. Yes. Naked or wrapped in lingerie, tight men's briefs, peeking out of the cleavage. Yes, of course. Also an intelligent mind, humor, etc. But there's a lot more to it than that, isn't there? And above all, we are driven by the question of what we can do if arousal does not arise spontaneously.

How can we tell that we are aroused?

Hopefully we all know this: on a physiological level, the blood rushes to our genitals, the penis erects, the vulva, i.e. the outer area of the female genitalia, swells and becomes moist. Our body tension increases. Our midsection pulsates and feels hot. Women can feel the desire to be filled in their vagina, while men want to get right in there. And we all want to be touched "down there".

But arousal is also a highly complicated matter. In itself, it is an innate reflex that can strike us spontaneously without us expecting it. A look, a smell, an image. This is particularly familiar to young men who don't yet have their erection under control and find themselves with bulging trousers at completely the wrong moment. Oops! Later in life, they may long for this spontaneity again.

Arousal does not equal pleasure

We don't always perceive this physical arousal at all. In a nationwide study, the American sexologist Meredith Chivers showed women various erotic video clips and measured the blood flow to the vagina with a measuring device. She wanted to know whether the women were aroused by the different images. The women themselves were asked to use a keyboard to indicate whether they felt aroused. Well, what can we say, physiologically ALL women showed arousal, be it at the sight of women, men or copulating apes.

However, they only experienced this arousal themselves in the socially permitted constellations. In other words, the heterosexual women were attracted to heterosexual scenes and the homosexual women to homosexual scenes.

Whether we allow and feel arousal therefore depends very much on our inner images. Can I be aroused and what can I be aroused by? And we can also see here that pleasure and arousal are not the same thing. Because I can also feel arousal without feeling pleasure. I may even absolutely reject this feeling in my genitals because I associate it with bad experiences or inner prohibitions. Women in particular struggle with this, as the Chivers study shows. The arousal is there per se and is even detectable, but it is not allowed in the mind for whatever reason. So we need to ask ourselves what commandments, prohibitions, values, ideals or myths and what self-image we have that prevent us from experiencing this powerful feeling!

How we can arouse ourselves

So, what do we do to get aroused? At the beginning of a relationship, the thought of our beloved is often enough to put us in an erotic mood. But just as arousal seems to come out of the blue, it can also fail to materialize. Even though we desperately want it. Couples in long-term relationships know this very well. They remember the first phase of infatuation and wonder why they no longer spontaneously fall in love.

However, hops and malt are not lost if arousal does not arise spontaneously. We can certainly help. Because there are certain stimuli that trigger this reflex in us. Everyone has to find out for themselves what these are:

- Pictures, movies, books, but also inner fantasies may fuel one.
- Touching oneself or the other person, but also certain smells or noises can arouse the other.

The smell of our genitals has one main purpose, namely to get us in the mood. So if we don't feel like it yet, but know how good sex is for us, let's just start! Let's immerse our nose in the scent of our loved one and let it arouse us. Even a soft moan or heavier breathing from our partner can trigger this arousal in us.

Anyone who relies solely on stimuli such as pornography for auto-eroticism is narrowing their arousal spectrum. That's why it makes sense to try out other ways of stimulating the senses for yourself. Provided we can get involved.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION