Why am I telling you this? We are not always granted this insight into the lives of others. And this sometimes creates a myth of the supposedly better life of these others. Let's take the relationship status in connection with sex. Couples think that singles move around the house and have lots of fun and sex. And singles long for intimacy, security and regular sex. We assume that the sex of others is easier, better. But is that true? Not at all.

A land of milk and honey in a relationship?

It is possible that couples have more sex. However, this is more likely to be the case in the early stages of a relationship. Very few couples manage to maintain this initial level over the years. Or even something close to it. This is simply because this beginning with the butterflies in the stomach and the permanently increased hormone levels is the exceptional state. And not what comes afterwards.

Only what comes afterwards is real life. And that's a good thing, because how else would we manage our life together with all our commitments and plans if we were permanently in a state of emergency?

• So instead of falling over each other every evening, couples sometimes just like to sit on the couch and watch TV.
• Or they are engrossed in their Ipads or Iphones.
• Maybe they're not even at home, but out and about. And separately from each other.

Many couples find that they have almost less time for each other after moving in together than before.

How often couples actually have sex varies greatly depending on the study and also varies with the length of the relationship. Ultimately, every couple has to decide for themselves what is good. For many, sex is simply not the most important thing in a relationship. " I think sexuality is important, but not the main component. You can do without it." Says a 30-year-old woman from Hamburg. Love life often comes to a complete standstill.

The sex-loving singles?

Couples then look enviously at singles and think: "Oh, if only we could do that now! Just go out and look for playmates!" And what do the singles do in real life? Raise their cups and hit the nightlife? That can sometimes be the case. But a sexual adventure every weekend? Far from it.

The vast majority of singles could have sex. There would actually be more than enough opportunities. But they don't want to. At least not like this. They want sex with love. But for that you need a relationship, no matter what form it takes. Big love, mingles, polyamory, friends with benefits, a trusting affair. Only a very small proportion of singles are doing gymnastics in bed.

• In 2004, according to Hamburg sex researcher Gunter Schmidt, only four percent of all singles indulged in free love.

This may have changed in the meantime due to the changed contact possibilities. But honestly, in my experience, not significantly. Technology or not, your own restrictions and dreams will not be magically removed. And so the singles look at the couples and long for a relationship with lots of sex. Which they assume is there.

Stay true to yourself!

Some things are not what they seem.

• We can have great sex in a relationship.
• And we can also have great sex when we're single.

On the other hand, it can be the other way around and we don't have sex at all. No matter what status we are in. And that can still be wonderful!

Ultimately, it's always what we make of it. We should think about that instead of squinting at our neighbor and guessing what might be going on there. And longing for what might not be there. Because all too often we are miles off the mark.

A lot is written, talked or filmed about sex in public. But we don't really know what really goes on in our beds. And even if we do ask, we are likely to get embellished stories. Who wants to admit to having an unsatisfied need? Not feeling like it? Nobody likes to talk about that. Neither the one nor the other.

Yet sexual problems and lack of desire in relationships are often a reason for break-ups. So if you're currently single, you should think about what's actually nice about it and savor it. And if you want more sex in your relationship, you can also do something about it. Because seeing each other, talking to each other and sleeping together requires attention for the other person and for the relationship. Both are possible. You just have to want it.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION
Date: 06.05.2020

Source: Schmidt, G., Matthiesen, S., Dekker, A., Starke, K.. Late modern relationship worlds. Wiesbaden: VS Verlag für Sozialwissenschaften, 2006.