Living apart together, or LAT for short, is the new German term for couples living in two different apartments. A relationship model that is becoming increasingly popular: the number has more than doubled since the 1990s. The advantages are obvious: according to experts, people living in separate homes argue less about everyday things, stay excited about each other and use their time together more intensively. Disadvantages such as a lack of closeness and high housing costs do not play a significant role.
Couples who are sure they don't want to start a family particularly appreciate this way of living together. The same applies to people in midlife who have already been through the whole program of children and failed marriages and/or do not want to repeat the experiences of past partnerships. Three couples tell us more about why they are so happy with this type of cohabitation.
The 2-2-2 rule: more relationship quality through fixed times
Separate apartments as a relationship trend? 3 couples report on their experiences
Melanie (32) and Tim (34): "We almost lost each other"
"Our relationship was about to end. Everything had been going great for years. We met in a bar in 2014. As we're both very busy at work and have different circles of friends, we often only saw each other at the weekend. We made the most of our time together. But people around us kept nagging us with the question: when are you finally moving in together? In 2017, we decided to try an experiment: I sublet my apartment and moved in with Tim on a trial basis. At first, it was exciting and nice to see each other every day. But everyday life soon crept in. I felt constricted by Tim's constant presence, I was irritable and drained of energy. We argued about every little thing: open toothpaste tubes, dishes put away upside down and socks lying around. Quite typical. Whereas before we had done a lot together, now we spent most of our time sitting on the sofa watching TV. At some point, our sex life also went completely to sleep.
After six months, we declared the experiment over. I moved back into my own apartment - and breathed a sigh of relief. For a while, we talked about breaking up. But then Tim and I realized that we are both simply very freedom-loving and independent people - who nevertheless love each other deeply. We are still happy together today, but each in our own realm."
Isabell (44) and Christopher (42): "The weekends belong only to us and our love"
"Chris and I got married last year. But we still won't be moving in together. I live in the heart of Munich at an affordable price. He lives in a small village 40 kilometers away. We both love the combination of city and countryside. I usually go to his place at the weekend. Now in corona times anyway. We go on bike rides in the countryside and relax. It's like a vacation every time. I often hear from people around me that Chris and I don't really have a relationship. 'Well, you're really just cherry-picking,' a work colleague once said to me.
She herself is constantly complaining about her husband, who never empties the dishwasher and often comes home late. I just said to her: 'Yes, why shouldn't we just enjoy the good times? I know from experience that too much closeness is poison for a relationship. At some point, my ex-husband totally let himself go, was passive and nagging. At some point, the love disappeared and we just lived next door to each other, even though we shared a roof. The separation was hard because neither of us wanted to move out of the cheap old apartment. After a long war of the roses, he finally gave in and packed his things. I don't want to go through that kind of hell again. I think love needs space to remain stable."
Jutta (56) and Marcus (55): "We look forward to every meeting together"
"After my divorce, I had had enough of men for a while. I had become very subordinate in my marriage and needed time to come to terms with myself again. It wasn't until seven years later, when my two daughters were grown up, that I started looking for a partner. I met Marcus on an online dating portal. We immediately agreed that we wanted to take things slowly. We had both been very hurt in the past. We wrote for quite a while and talked a lot on the phone before we met for the first time - very unspectacularly over a cup of coffee. It wasn't love at first sight, but it was clear to both of us that there was more! More dates followed and eventually we became lovers.
That was five years ago now. Moving in together? Neither of us want to. I have my fixed routines that give me stability and I enjoy having the apartment just for myself sometimes. Marcus is similar to me. We only live 12 kilometers apart, so we can see each other spontaneously. Sometimes at his place, sometimes at mine. Of course, an apartment would be cheaper, but we don't have the daily grind. We still dress up for each other and look forward to every time we see each other."
Source: LEA
