- Monogamy
- Serial monogamy
- Polyamory
- Polygamy
- Gyneogamy/ androgamy
- Pleasure marriage
- Minglegamy
Are arranged marriages better than marriages based on infatuation? And who the hell wears the pants? Him or her? Is patriarchy, male supremacy, natural? Or rather matriarchy? After all, it is women who give birth and thus ensure the continued existence of humanity. At least that's how it used to be.
What about official lovers? The hetaera in ancient Greece, the mistress in the age of absolutism or the typical mistress of post-war Germany?
Let's take a look at what we have today. I'd rather leave out minstrelsy and the like. Otherwise the list will be endless.
Monogamy
Two people bound together forever. This is the Christian ideal of great love that endures through time and space until death do them part. With or without a wedding ring. And above all, without infidelities and affairs. However, if we look around, we find fewer and fewer couples who manage to achieve this. We sometimes hear from these few that they are still happy together. That is so wonderful and completely in line with our idea of a happy relationship. We don't talk about the dark depths through which these couples have also maneuvered.
On the other hand, we hear from other long-term couples that they would have split up long ago if there were no children and they weren't afraid of financial or other difficulties. They just stay together. "Should I look for someone else now?" But is this the monogamy we want? No, of course not. Besides, we're not just looking for spiritual love. We want ours to be characterized by passion for the rest of our lives. We are not satisfied with anything less.
Serial monogamy
Monogamous? Yes, please. But not with the same partner for a lifetime. We may dream of it, but we can't do it. Because that would be boring in the long run in a life where we are always looking for new adventures and challenges. Besides, we don't want to end up like the unhappy or indifferent lifetime couples. More and more older people today have already had one or two marriages and love affairs - not to mention younger people. They do commit to a partner quite early on. But only until the stove is out and the next one comes along.
In this intimate time of togetherness, absolute fidelity is usually the top priority. Romance is required. And the yes-word. Monogamous relationships are strung together like pearls on a string. The Federal Statistical Office reports an increase in the number of marriages. And on the other hand, an increase in divorces. Good times for wedding planners and divorce lawyers.
Polyamory
Those who would like to love several people at once can now also opt for polyamory. In this case, several men are in love with several women. However, they cannot (yet) marry all together. This is still only possible in pairs.
Anyone who thinks that this is all about sex should think again. The focus is not on urges, but on love, commitment and trust. Similar to a monogamous relationship. But sex is of course not excluded. The secondary loves should be known and approved in the main relationship. Otherwise it wouldn't be polyamory, but just an affair or love affair. This in turn has negative connotations in society, whereas polyamory sounds more like openness to the world and tolerance. Cool, right? So far, this form of relationship has not been financially profitable. No weddings, no divorces. No mutual pension entitlements.
Polygamy
This is where it gets complicated. If you want to be polygamous, you would have to marry several partners at the same time. However, this is prohibited in Germany. If more than one wedding ring is exchanged, the legislator takes notice. Previously, only two people of the opposite sex were allowed to be married at the same time. Since 2017, marriage has also been open to people of the same sex.
But several people at the same time? Absolutely not. Polyamorous, you can do what you want. Polygamy is not. So if a man loves two women at the same time, he has to decide. Or the other way around. From a legal point of view, only the children and the partner from the marriage are protected. At least that's how I understand it.
According to the Oxford Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology from 2007, over 80 percent of all human societies are polygamous. However, not all polygamy is the same. Because there are still various sub-concepts:
- Bigamy: You become a bigamist as soon as you enter into another marriage in addition to the one you are already in. What is forbidden in the western world is socially acceptable elsewhere.
- Polygyny: Many a man dreams of this. Live and love like the sultans in the stories from the ancient Orient! A whole harem full of great women! And heaps of offspring. This form is probably the most commonly practised form of polygamy. In Islam, however, the limit is four wives. And they all have to be provided for first, both economically and sexually. You should not forget this when dreaming.
- Polyandry: The male equivalent of the harem. One woman with several men. This form seems to be important when it comes to limiting offspring.
- Polygyandry: Group marriage would be something for the polyamorous among you who like to legally secure everything. Several men can be married to several women. We find this concept among fundamentalist Mormons today. Officially, of course, it is forbidden there.
Gyneogamy/ androgamy
You are probably not yet familiar with these forms. In gyneogamy, a childless woman takes on the role of husband. In other words, two women together. But without sex, for which there are lovers. The children from outside relationships are regarded as legitimate. This form is found in some African societies.
Perhaps that would also be an idea for us. Women who really want to have children but don't want a partner or can't find a suitable one get together and start this type of family. And then they have sex outside of it. We already know this from many a supposedly monogamous marriage. When two men marry for non-sexual reasons, it's called androgamy.
Pleasure marriage
This concept is an Islamic peculiarity that is mainly practised in Iran. It is a temporary marriage. A married man can conclude an infinite number of temporary marriage contracts in addition to his existing marriage. If the actual wife is not in the mood for sex, rejects certain erotic practices or the husband is not attracted to her, he simply looks for someone else. He doesn't have to talk about it either.
The duration of the pleasure marriage is specified in the contract and can range from 30 minutes to 99 years. Interestingly, this new wife is paid. Does that ring a bell? Yes, we can do that too, but without a contract and then we call it prostitution. This is exactly how pleasure marriage is viewed by Islamic feminists. However, since Iranian society is strictly patriarchal and men are in charge, this practice is unlikely to change any time soon.
Minglegamy
Ha, now I've caught you out. You can't make up your mind, but you don't want to give up sex either. What could be better than having sex with a good boyfriend or girlfriend? You're not really together, so that doesn't fit into this list at all. But you're not completely alone either and somehow it's a kind of relationship. Allegedly 29% of Germans can imagine such a story. Again, I can't imagine that. But who knows who was surveyed where.
So, what kind of relationship do you choose?
Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION