He holds back for her sake. Perhaps a different position? Suddenly, she kneels in front of him, then sits on him until they end up in the missionary position again. And he thrusts and thrusts and thrusts. He slowly loses his lust. Why can't she just fake an orgasm? He wouldn't even notice, he thinks. And yet he would be satisfied. He certainly wouldn't ask. What he doesn't know doesn't turn him on.
Two people, two perceptions
She, on the other hand, wishes he would finally come and put an end to it all. She loves him and enjoys having sex with him. Sex, but not just intercourse. In out. In out. It started with the usual smooching, the hand on her breast, the hand in her pants, the finger on her vulva. She likes that, especially when he takes his time. How nice it is to feel his fingers between her love lips, gliding along them, lightly kneading and squeezing them. How a finger eventually penetrates her, caressing her G-spot with enticing movements. She also loves his tongue between her love lips, that warm, soft feeling. She then writhes in ecstasy and feels her orgasm getting closer and closer.
But before it comes, he withdraws his fingers and tongue and penetrates her with his penis instead. This in turn is far less tender and sensitive. Even if it is still beautiful. And in the meantime, her orgasm recedes into the distance.
What is sex actually?
Do you know it? This is roughly how heterosexual sex goes in many encounters. A little bit of this, a little bit of that and then intercourse inevitably follows. So it's limited to the supposed essentials. But what are the essentials of sex? What is sex anyway?
"My girlfriend doesn't come during sex". One of the most frequently asked questions in sexual counseling. What image do you have in mind?
- Where does she not come?
- And does she really not come?
- Or does she just not come during intercourse?
- Is sex just intercourse?
Suddenly everything else no longer counts: What about anal sex? Oral sex? Phone sex? Self-sex? Mutual masturbation? What about lesbian sex? Women can come anywhere. But why doesn't any of that count when it comes to "sex"? Why does only the orgasm during vaginal intercourse count?
Vaginal sex is the focus
That's the way it is. When we talk about sex and coming, we usually think of vaginal intercourse. At least for heterosexual couples. And then we say that women have difficulties with it. What nonsense! They don't have any difficulties at all! They just don't work in the same way as men. But what men like should also be fun for women. And it is fun. Just not a climax.
But instead of looking for alternative ways to have fun, we literally keep poking around. Longer, harder, faster, maybe it's the wrong position, maybe she's not in the mood after all, maybe he's just not up to it. And we tear each other apart and end up faking it for the sake of peace.
We just have to change our perspective
Women simply don't work the way the general sex protocol dictates. So what can we do? Keep thinking, treating and putting ourselves under pressure? Or do we simply change our perspective and recognize that men and women are different after all? Although we haven't only known this in life since Loriot ;-)
But at least we don't match in our orgasm technique. At least not until we say goodbye to the male approach of vaginal penetration and instead acknowledge that there are other common and equally valid ways to reach the peak of pleasure. We have long since elevated sex to a form of communication and removed it from reproduction. Only when it comes to the female orgasm do we still insist on the good old reproductive technique.
Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION