Around half of all divorces in Germany also involve children, with 131,955 minors involved in 2016 alone. In 90 percent of these cases, joint custody applies. Despite this, 91% of children still live with their mother. The alternating custody model (see below) is very slow to catch on, probably also because "home splitting" requires a relaxed relationship between the divorced couple. This would be welcome in principle, but in practice there are often disputes, very often over parenting issues. And sometimes fathers want more time with the children or, on the contrary, have "better things to do" than see the children at the weekend. The ones who suffer are the little ones. Three mothers tell their stories from life and describe their situation.

Kirsten (37) from Leipzig: "Since he got a new girlfriend, he's abandoned the little ones"

"I never thought Ronny would behave so badly at some point. When we decided to split up, everything went almost smoothly at first. We each looked for an apartment and at first the visiting arrangements worked perfectly: the boys saw their father every other weekend and one afternoon a week. But suddenly everything changed. A good year and a half after the divorce, he canceled his weekend with the children. He mumbled something about professional training into the phone. Fine, I thought, that's just the way it is. Then he canceled the next one too. And then another one straight away. Always by text message and then he was no longer available.

The little ones are only three and six, feel abandoned and are sad. I comfort them and tell them that their father has to work a lot at the moment. But I no longer feel like defending him. Especially not since I know the reason for his rejections: he has a new girlfriend. Good for him. But it really blows my mind that he's abandoning the children because of it. I've now been to the youth welfare office. The letter from the employee is on its way to him."

Franziska (44) from Berlin: "My older daughter refuses to visit her father"

"A good six months ago, when Klara turned eleven, the nagging started. She no longer wanted to see her father. No way. She wouldn't give me a reason. At first I put it down to the onset of puberty. But at some point I found out what the real reason was. My ex has had a new partner for a long time and Klara never really liked her. The new girl mostly stayed away on daddy weekends and everything was fine. But now the two of them have moved in together. Of course, you can't expect her to stay away regularly. And Klara thinks: now she's no longer the princess who gets her way. And she no longer has her dad to herself. He probably behaves a little differently towards her now that his partner is always there.

I talked to her for a long time, explaining that we adults also have a life of our own. And that her father loves her and really wants to see her. But Klara is stubborn and doesn't want to. And seriously, I can't take her there against her will. And I don't want my child to be unhappy at the weekends either. So I spoke to my ex - something we don't usually do. And then I was really gobsmacked: he accused me of preventing Klara from visiting him. Apparently I couldn't cope with the fact that he had a new girlfriend and was happy with her. I should remember that I had a duty to positively support the contact between the child and father and not torpedo it. It really made me salivate. Klara and I had several more conversations afterwards. I've now at least persuaded her to give them both a chance. But I don't have a good feeling about it. I'm practically forcing her into it."

Marie (45) from Krefeld: "Parenting in turns? Pure conflict for us!"

"The alternating model may be a good thing for some - but it doesn't work at all for us. It all started when Jan really wanted this model when we got divorced a year ago. I was skeptical. A member of staff at the youth welfare office gave us lots of good tips on how to implement it. 'We'll manage it,' Jan said confidently at the time. That made me feel better and I agreed - for the sake of our ten-year-old son. So David has two equal homes. Jan lives a little further away from the school, so David became a driving student every week. But it all seemed feasible. But in the very first week, David didn't come to me after school on Fridays. I was worried and walked the route to school. Nothing. No David. I phoned Jan, upset, who said quite succinctly: 'He's with me. We wanted to finish the video game session. I almost went through the phone with rage and shouted at him that he had better tell me. But nothing changed. Something kept going wrong. Jan didn't tell me about reports from the teacher, forgot doctors' appointments and sometimes wasn't at home when David rang the doorbell. That really drives me up the wall.

That's why Jan and I often have very loud arguments. I can now also see that David is suffering as a result. But he likes the model. He keeps telling me that he doesn't want to do without either of us and that everything should stay the same. I'm afraid he's only saying that so as not to hurt his father or me. I know how much David loves his father. If I were to insist that he only lives with me, I would be hurting him. It's a terrible idea. But I can't put up with this eternal battle for much longer. I've now at least made another counseling appointment. Even though I know Jan will say I'm exaggerating."

Facts and figures on custody

Residence model

This is the option chosen by a good 90 percent of divorced couples. The child's main residence is with one parent. The child is with the other parent every other weekend and usually one afternoon a week.

Alternating model

It is more or less shared equally: One week the child lives with the mother, the other week with the father. Always alternating. There are therefore no maintenance payments. The model can also be enforced in court against the will of one parent.

Best interests of the child

Regardless of which model is chosen after the separation, the best interests of the child must always be the focus - according to the law. It is therefore important to decide which option is best for the child. If you are unsure, you should definitely seek advice.

Figures

• In 2016, exactly 31,621 cases of custody disputes came before family courts.
• 91% of children live with their mother after their parents divorce.
• If parents are not married and separate, the mother has sole custody.