Jan's confession: "Claudia, I'm gay"
The scene reminded me of a really bad movie: I had just handed Jan a pair of flannel pyjamas that I had bought him. I knew he liked the fabric. And he took these stupid pyjamas and came out: "Claudia, I'm gay." My first thought: I'll pretend I haven't heard anything and just ask my husband if he'd like a coffee too. But I didn't get very far with that number - understandably.
Still, I could hardly think at that moment. It was a shock. And yet - hadn't I suspected something for a long time? A conversation followed in which I kept zooming away, as if I wasn't affected at all, and I kept hearing this other woman, who I was, ask a question: "Was it all just a big fuss? 14 years of marriage, two children?" Jan was calm, almost relieved, he spoke to me with the tongues of an angel, telling me that everything had been great. I couldn't believe him.
Jan said that he'd had a boyfriend for a long time. That he was moving in with him now and wanted to have a relationship with him. I was paralyzed and could only nod. Over the next few days, the truth seeped more and more into my consciousness and with it the nagging questions. Had he found sex with me disgusting? Was there something about me that had driven him to men? Was everything, everything a lie? Had he always had this inclination? How long had he been leading this bisexual double life? I had wanted to spend my life with Jan. Now he was gone. And there was no chance of getting him back.
"It was a difficult time for Jan too, but I only understood that later"
Finally it was out - Jan felt liberated
Jan, on the other hand, felt liberated, happy and full of energy. Two weeks later, I discovered a photo of him and his lover on Facebook. My stomach turned. From then on there were almost daily posts, Jan and Frank in a café, on vacation. I know Jan, and I know he didn't mean to hurt me. But it still hurt. And how. Our friends, acquaintances and neighbors reacted very differently. Some gave me a wide berth. Others, who I only knew in passing, spoke to me directly about it. One gay man from our circle of friends said: "Finally!" That made me wonder. Had everyone known but me?
Our children were more relaxed about the subject than I was. When Jan had told them both everything, our 14-year-old said: "Yeah, okay, cool." The 12-year-old seemed a bit shocked at first, but got used to the situation when she realized that Jan was still paying a lot of attention to her. At some point, they came back from a father's weekend and said: "Frank is really nice." I took heart and arranged to meet Jan. I told him how much it was hurting me and that I had so many questions. He had also been through a difficult time, everything was new and he often struggled, you could see that in his face.
Today - three years later - I accept Jan's decision and the separation that came with it. I have left my self-doubt behind me and no longer ask myself any questions. Things are moving forward. I've even been on a few dates again.
Secretly gay: tips and information on the topic
Eric Hegmann works in his own practice as a singles and couples counselor, including for the Parship portal. After many years of marriage, the man admits that he is gay. This completely upsets his life plans. And how do you deal with it? The expert answers questions.
What keeps men in a marriage even though they are homosexual?
"First of all: there is no hard line between heterosexuality, bisexuality and homosexuality. One study showed that a good ten percent of the men surveyed described themselves as heterosexual, but had predominantly had sex with men in the past 12 months. Many try to suppress their sexuality over a longer period of time out of fear of unpleasant reactions, and many are not even aware of it at first. Marriage can therefore be a kind of proof that you are not homosexual."
As a wife, shouldn't you actually recognize this earlier?
"That probably depends on your partner. If he or she is otherwise loving and caring and the sex life is satisfying, why should the wife suspect anything? In retrospect, typical repression behaviors such as increased alcohol consumption, depressive phases or mood swings may be indications, but these can also be the result of other stressful influences. The partner will certainly ask herself: "What's wrong with me that I didn't notice this? What wasn't working in our marriage that he didn't talk to me about it?"
And what is the best way to deal with coming out?
"On the one hand, there's the partner whose entire life plan has been changed. And on the other side is someone who has to assert themselves in an extremely difficult phase of self-discovery; for example, the suicide rate increases many times over during the coming-out phase. In such a situation, the couple should seek external support, also to avoid or at least reduce mutual hurt."
