Nadine (46) from Marburg: "I've fallen in love with someone else. But I don't want to leave."

Nadine and Martin have been married for almost 18 years. They have a house, two children - everything could be perfect. If Nadine hadn't fallen in love with another man a few months ago.

After 18 years, everyday life has returned to their relationship. They both work to cover the financial costs of the house. Martin has been working in the field for a large company for three years. Nadine also works part-time as a medical assistant. "Besides homework and putting the children to bed, there was admittedly very little time left for our partnership. On top of that, Martin wasn't home four days out of five. I just felt lonely," says Nadine.

The Marburg woman then met a man by chance while out shopping. They met a few times - and got to know each other through these conversations. "He listened to me, saw me as a woman.
The way he looked at me was something my husband hadn't looked at me for years."

When Nadine realizes that she has fallen for the man, she confesses everything to Martin - but she doesn't want to leave him. "I don't want to give up. We've talked a lot - for the first time in a long time. We want to make it work together, go to couples therapy. I've cut off contact with the other man - for our family."

Magdalena (37) from Dortmund: "When my boyfriend kept throwing tantrums, I broke up with him"

We had been together for six months when Daniel (43) snapped for the first time," says Magdalena. The physiotherapist was deeply shocked at the time. "It was about whether we would go on a date with a friend of Daniel's in the evening. I wasn't feeling well and wanted to stay at home. That's when he completely lost it. He shouted and even swept
a glass off the table with his hand." Magdalena doesn't know how to classify her boyfriend's sudden rage. "But after the outburst, he was as sweet as ever again and apologized immediately."

But a few weeks later, he snapped again, threw things around again and deliberately broke a vase that Magdalena had inherited from her mother. And again it's about a small thing. "It was almost as if the dam had broken. He was always very sorry afterwards, but at some point I couldn't believe him anymore," explains the Dortmund native.

A few months and many outbursts later, they finally broke up. "He just scared me. I couldn't be with such a hot-tempered person - so I broke up with him. Before something worse happened."

Ariane (48) from Witten: "He cheated on me. I don't know if I can ever trust him again"

Ariane had suspected for weeks that something must have happened. "We've been married for over 21 years. He couldn't fool me, and yet he kept quiet," explains Ariane. Things had been strange between them since the Christmas party. Her husband Thomas (52) was behaving unusually, constantly avoiding her gaze and withdrawing. When asked about this, he claimed that everything was fine. But it wasn't.

"Then one evening we sat together over a glass of wine. Suddenly Thomas started crying. He confessed to me that he had slept with his colleague after the Christmas party," says Ariane. A world collapses for her. But Thomas swears that it was a one-off slip-up. Ariane believes her husband, but: "I want to forgive him, but I just can't forget it. Time will tell whether I can really trust him again. Otherwise our only option is to separate."

Making the right decisions in a crisis: Tips and information

Eric Hegmann has been a couples and singles counselor for over 15 years. He is also a Parship coach and author of several books on love and relationships.

Leave or stay - is it all about your feelings?

Eric Hegmann: "Yes and no. Feelings are what drive us. But most couples break up because they've grown apart. This means that the partners' individual goals can no longer be reconciled with their goals as a couple."

What issues should this question not even be asked about?

"Definitely in so-called toxic relationships. Signs include physical violence or ongoing affairs. These people are often also trapped in emotional dependencies. It's like addictive behavior and not love. In such cases, I try to take away the person's fear of separation in a one-to-one conversation. Life is too short for relationships that cause damage."

Can I rebuild trust that has been destroyed?

"It is possible, but it often doesn't work because, in my experience, both partners are required to do this: The partner who has been cheated on must genuinely want to forgive - and be able to do so at some point. And the cheater has to become trustworthy again, i.e. reveal more than he or she should in future. So there's a lot involved, and many a couple, even with the best intentions, fail."

What tells me whether the relationship is over? Heart or mind?

"The heart says: 'I'm unhappy, I want to leave! But if the mind checks this feeling, it becomes clear: 'My partner isn't there to make me happy. That's my job. Now you need to reconcile your heart and mind. Incidentally, there is a good evolutionary explanation as to why feelings are so important to us. They have allowed us to survive in dangerous situations when decisions have to be made quickly: Is the tiger in front of us dangerous or not? Today, we rarely encounter tigers, but it's still important to listen to your heart AND your mind."

You might also be interested in this:
Lies in a relationship: how much truth can love take?
The 2-2-2 rule: More relationship quality through fixed times
Broken heart: What infidelity does to our bodies
12 key phrases for a fulfilling relationship
Intimate confessions: Yes, I'm having an affair
When love is pathological: "My husband, the narcissist"
Pathologically jealous: When a feeling destroys a relationship