"As he sat there at the table, noisily gulping down his coffee, I suddenly had a vision of the two of us. Namely that he'll still be sitting there like that in 20 years' time and I'll still be annoyed at how loudly he drinks ...". Saskia thinks about it again and again. The thought wasn't entirely new - but now it's becoming concrete, and it feels good and right: Separation!

"When the children left home, it became difficult with Frank"

She has two children with Frank (59) - Rebecca (21) and Julian (23). Both have been out of the house for a while and are now studying. "That was difficult," says the 53-year-old industrial clerk from Bonn. "I was suddenly alone with Frank. We didn't have much to say to each other, it soon became clear. All those years, almost everything had revolved around the children." Sex was rare, routine, boring, she often didn't feel like it. At least not with Frank. Saskia becomes afraid of the future: "That can't be it ...", she realizes: love is gone. Sad and true.

Love is gone

Frank's jaw drops when she says this out loud. It bursts out of her as they sit together after an evening with guests and a few glasses of wine. She says it matter-of-factly and succinctly, as is her way: "I want to break up." Frank just laughs and says: "You can't be serious. After all these years! You've had too much to drink."
Maybe it was the wine that gave her the courage that evening. But she is serious. She didn't make it easy for herself in the weeks and months in which the decision matured: "I kept telling myself that we had made a vow to each other after all. But I don't have that much time left, I'm 53! And I want to be happy in the years to come. I've always looked after the family. Now it's my turn."

She talks to her friends about it - they are shocked and surprised, but they also understand. Then she gets serious. She looks for an apartment - she is financially independent. Nevertheless, a lot has to be unbundled: Insurance, for example, the rent, child support. Frank also had to look for a new apartment: too many memories, too expensive. It's difficult for him, who still doesn't want to believe it all. He is raging with jealousy, but there is no other man. He mourns, he begs - but Saskia has made up her mind. The children aren't thrilled either, but they are now leading their own lives.

"A new man? That takes time. But you never know what will happen ..."

Saskia is now also leading her own life. She feels liberated, content, sometimes really happy: "I now realize how much of a burden it was that I always had to be considerate and make compromises. It wasn't a bad life with Frank and the children, but now a new phase has begun."

She does a lot of things that weren't possible before. She takes a dance course and learns Spanish. She makes new friends on a cruise to Mallorca. And she's thinking about signing up to a singles exchange - maybe she'll meet a man that way? But that takes time. The rare encounters with Frank are more relaxed - he has a new girlfriend, say the children. Saskia is sure that the separation was the right decision.

Tips and information on the topic

Are there warning signs? How can you tell when it's over? Dr. Ulrich Weber, psychotherapist and coach from Hamburg, answers the most important questions.

Why do people break up after such a long time?

Important love killers are making up for each other's mistakes, lost appreciation and accusations. Sometimes partners develop in different directions. At 50, some people experience a second spring. This is when they realize that life doesn't last forever, but still long enough to turn over a new leaf.

Is there any way to protect yourself from this?

Definitely! As it is a gradual process, you can stop it, provided you still have the confidence. It's about the little attentions that maintain love and respect. For example, small, loving messages, a goodbye kiss, saying please and thank you. In my opinion, this is the best protection.

Are there any signs that it could soon be over?

When people no longer talk to each other or past each other. If the sense of togetherness is lost, that's a strong warning signal. And when communication only consists of accusations, devaluations or reproaches.

What role does sex play in this? Is it possible without it?

Sex is important for experiencing intimacy and closeness. Sex connects and strengthens the feeling of togetherness, also through the release of the cuddle hormone oxytocin. Sex often takes a back seat in longer partnerships, but this doesn't have to be a bad thing as long as the couple talks about it openly.

Is a trial separation always the beginning of the end?

You can't make a general judgment on that. Personally, I don't think much of it. It's often just the beginning of the end. Of course, sometimes couples break up and only later realize that they were meant to be together after all. But then they were really separated and not "half", which is what trial separation means.

Is divorce also bad for adult children?

Children are always caught between two stools, as they love both parents. But the older, more mature and more reflective the children are, the easier it is for them to cope with their parents separating. But I have also seen adult patients who have developed a real life crisis due to the late separation of their parents.

Can you fall in love with your partner again?

You should always consciously put on the rose-colored glasses from the early days. This works particularly well when you have more time for each other, for example on vacation.

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The pain of separation - how to overcome it and be happy again
Divorced - and where are the children?
When love is pathological: "My husband, the narcissist"