Pain during sex is more common than we think

Just because it hurts once doesn't mean we have to think of a disorder. After all, we can hurt anywhere, so why not during sex? If we have a bladder infection, vaginal fungus, sexually transmitted infection (STI), uterine prolapse or fibroids and cysts, it would almost be surprising if it wasn't uncomfortable or painful down there while we wait for ecstasy up there. If there is any suspicion in this regard, we should refrain from sexual intercourse for the time being and consult a gynecologist. If we have vigorous or prolonged sex or a larger penis is thrust too deeply inside us, this can also be unpleasant. Or let's think about the first time. Many girls or women find this painful. Sometimes because the virginity cap is torn. Incidentally, this is not the case for many girls. So don't be surprised if it doesn't bleed. It's more likely that we tense upbecause we fear exactly this pain (self-fulfilling prophecy). Or we proceed far too quickly out of sheer excitement. What then happens or what doesn't happen doesn't just affect beginners and is actually a reason to take a closer look. Because this can lead to lasting pain. And then we can talk about sexual dysfunction.

A vagina needs pleasure to become moist

The mucous membranes of the vagina, like all our mucous membranes, are naturally moist. For pleasurable sex, however, we need a little more lubricant. And this is where nature has hit the bull's eye: When we are aroused, we produce our own lubricant: we become moist, making it easier for the penis to penetrate the vagina. The technical term for this is lubrication. If we watch ourselves doing this, we can even see the difference at the vulva and vaginal entrance. In any case, the erectile tissue then fills with blood and becomes darker in color. The amount of fluid produced varies. Some women literally leak. However, the amount is not a sign of quality! It can happen that we sleep with our partner without being really aroused. Sex is just as beautiful and connecting. We don't always need a great desire for it. Sometimes it only arises after we've already started. This can lead to the vagina not being wet enough yet . The friction of the penis then puts undue strain on the sensitive vaginal mucosa. This can be uncomfortable or even painful and feel sore. Micro-lesions can also occur, which in turn can allow pathogens to penetrate the mucous membranes and lead to infections. If we want to get started quickly, we can use an additional lubricant. In the long term, however, it makes much more sense to wait until we are really ready and aroused. And that can also mean saying no. Saying no to the sexuality we've experienced so far and then working with our partner to find out how we can change our love life so that both of us can experience pleasure.

Sometimes women can't allow pleasure

Lust causes relaxation. And lust makes you wet. But lust is also very fragile and can be influenced. We can induce it at will by using our sources of arousal. Some read erotic literature, others watch movies and still others only need to feel their partner's warm breath on their ear. We are knitted very differently. But we can also suppress desire. Deliberately, when we are angry with our partner and want to punish them. It is understandable that sex is then not very pleasurable and we are basically only hurting ourselves. Or we unconsciously suppress our desire through prohibitions that we have internalized in the course of our lives. Prohibitions that we don't even notice because we take them for granted. This is particularly true for women, who sometimes don't even realize that something arouses them. They don't realize what is not allowed. If we have problems with sex because of this, we should think about what is stopping us from allowing ourselves to feel pleasure. What views about sex did we get from home? What experiences have shaped us? What experiences have we had with sexuality? What prejudices do we carry around with us? What gaps in our knowledge do we have? What inner image do we have of our vagina? And what goes wrong in our communication with our partner?

Vaginal dryness may be due to a lack of oestrogen

Another reason for the lack of moisture and the resulting pain may be due to a lack of oestrogen during the menopause. For some women, the decline in the female sex hormone has an effect on lubrication. The vaginal walls also become somewhat thinner, they atrophy, and are therefore more sensitive anyway. It can sometimes take a few years longer before this condition occurs. We can talk to our gynecologist about the problem and consider together whether estrogen creams can help. Otherwise, lubricants can help. When it comes to sex, we should take our time and wait until we are ready to receive our partner. This is a clear case of reciprocity, as men also need more time for their erection over time. Sex doesn't stop at getting older. But how we evaluate this is up to us. And it can be a very nice thing if we take more time. Slowing down in all areas of life, so to speak. Speaking of getting older: As we get older, the risk of developing high blood pressure increases. This can lead to blood no longer being pumped sufficiently into the genitals, making it even more difficult to get wet.

A tense pelvic floor also makes it difficult to get wet

Once we have had an unpleasant experience or pain during sex, it is possible that we will tense up in anticipation of this pain the next time. Our pelvic floor is particularly affected by this tension. If we pretend to hold back our urine stream right now, we can feel this very muscle group. It also contracts when we are anxious. And not just during sex. Pelvic floor training is therefore also useful in the sense that we become aware of these muscles in the first place. The tension also squeezes the blood out of the tissue and makes it even more difficult to get wet. In special cases, the muscles can contract to such an extent that penetration of the penis becomes impossible. This is known as vaginismus and falls under anxiety disorders. Anyone suffering from this should see a sex therapist. Surgical measures are strongly discouraged!

Incidentally, pain during sex is not the domain of women. Men can also suffer from it. The causes are of course different. You can read about them in the next article.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION