Faking an orgasm? Why we should see the truth as an opportunity

They've been a couple for years. It goes like this. They don't talk to each other much and then there are the children. The two little ones need a lot of attention and demand a lot from their mother. He, on the other hand, travels a lot for work and is only home at weekends. He carries the responsibility like a burden on his shoulders, while she feels left alone. And in bed? Well, there's not much going on, there's hardly any time. And when there is, it's the usual. They sleep together according to plan until he arrives. Turn over, done. She doesn't come, but pretends so that he's satisfied.

via Anonymous

11/21/2019, 08:06

Faking an orgasm is normal for many women. But Anja Drews knows that it doesn't have to be.

She thinks about how she should tell him now, but fears his choleric fits. After all, this has been going on for a long time. Putting her cards on the table now seems impossible to her. But the longer she keeps her mouth shut, the more dissatisfied she becomes. After all, she is constantly missing out. He now thinks she likes it again. So from his point of view, he doesn't need to change anything. If she now tells him that he is completely wrong, he will probably feel betrayed and accuse her of cheating. Is he even in the right?

Men and women are only slightly different

I didn't make this little story up. This is roughly how a woman in her mid-30s described her erotic relationship with her husband. Now, it doesn't always have to be as well-worn as in this case. But unfortunately it is far too often. What's more, pretending is not just a woman's thing. Men do it too. So this is about both sexes. That's why, for the sake of simplicity, I'm going to write "the partner" below. But both are always meant.

There are various studies on how many people have resorted to this white lie at some point in their lives. I have even read that men do it more often than women. But such figures are not important here. What is important are the couples who are permanently stuck in this rut. And normally, the reasons for pretending are the main focus here. But it always takes two:

- One who does.
- And one who lets it happen.

That's what this is about.

Intentionally, unintentionally? Yes. But maliciously?

It stands to reason that the deceived person feels betrayed or hurt. And you can react angrily to that. But it's not as if someone is deliberately and maliciously faking a climax. Well, maybe deliberately, after all, a theatrical climax makes the other person believe that it was the greatest climax ever. Even though nothing actually happened. But it can also be done unintentionally. When the other person mistakes the signs - moaning, squirming, tensing up, falling into the pillows - for an orgasm and doesn't even ask. If the other person doesn't clearly say "You, that wasn't an orgasm. I'm not finished yet!" the misunderstanding takes its course.

This is how we intentionally or unintentionally pretend. But maliciously, to deceive the other person for very mean reasons? So that at some point we can sneer and say "Dude, you're really a miserable lover?" or "I've never found your big butt attractive"? Not that after all. Nobody really enjoys it. We pretend because we don't see any other solution at that moment.

Maybe:

- we don't want to cause an argument.
- we don't want to put pressure on ourselves or the other person.
- we simply don't dare to tell the truth.
- we don't know how to climax ourselves.
- we don't feel understood by the other person.
- we generally prefer to avoid disagreements.
- we sent out the wrong signals at the beginning and can't get out of it.
- we still hope that sex will get better without having to talk about it.

Pretending as a symptom of speechlessness in the relationship

Whatever the reasons behind it: When one person pretends to the other, it still takes two people. If the woman in the example now takes heart and seeks a conversation, it will probably hurt him. He can rage and hurl accusations at her. But he can just as easily ask himself how she has been dealing with it all this time. Because, as already described, it won't have been pleasant for her either. And she will certainly not have deceived him with malicious intent. He can ask himself what signals he has sent out:

- Why didn't she have the courage to tell him the truth sooner?
- What is going wrong between the two of them?

Pretending can be a symptom of a general relationship problem. In our example, there is a great speechlessness anyway. A speechlessness in which there has long been no exchange about feelings, about us and about togetherness. Even when it comes to sex, the two act side by side. So here is the chance to talk about pretending again and to look together at the causes and backgrounds. What contribution does each of them make to perpetuating the problem? What can they change so that both are satisfied? We should change our perspective from "Why is he/she doing this to me?" to "What part do I play in him/her not being able to be honest?"

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION