What is normal is different for every couple. The only thing that is really normal in sexuality is the fact that there is no normal. It sounds so simple and yet it is so difficult. Because in our media-driven and competitive world, we all too often compare ourselves to others, especially when it comes to sexuality. And what we see and read is as diverse as it is possible to be: from everlasting lust in porn to sexless romance in ZDF Sunday evening movies. Guidebooks propagate every direction, from the overvaluation of sexuality to practical tips that are supposed to bring new momentum into every love life. So how can couples deal with the question of how much sex is normal for them?
Comparing is of little help
Our lives and relationships go through phases. There are times when sexuality can be more important or less important. How often an individual has sex with themselves varies greatly. Some people do it several times a day - others haven't even discovered masturbation yet. And while it is difficult to focus on life in general during puberty, the future father of a family may have everything else on his mind - except sex. Some people feel little to no desire throughout their lives, while others define their femininity or masculinity through sexual activity. Sexual biography also plays a major role in the question of how we relate to physical love. People with experiences of abuse or a particularly hostile upbringing are usually far less open-minded. We humans are simply far too different to be lumped together.
Statistically speaking, we are more sexually active both at the beginning of a relationship and when we are younger. Couples in their 20s sleep together around ten times a month and couples in their 70s once a month. However, these figures only relate to sexual intercourse. And so the question immediately arises as to how we define sex. Do we only count sexual intercourse or do we also include manual and oral stimulation? Then the figures would look different. In older people's partnerships in particular, other sexual practices and tenderness play a major role and replace sexual intercourse in terms of importance. And many a woman would perhaps have sex much more often if she was given pleasure during extensive foreplay. This brings us to another important point: while female sexuality is more about the quality of an encounter, men are very numerically oriented . They say "We only had sex three times last month!" and consciously or unconsciously put their partners under pressure. Pressure is the number one pleasure killer. And it may be that exactly these three times were very fulfilling for your partner.
Normal is what a couple feels comfortable with
What I'm getting at is the perspective from which a couple should view their sexuality. We need to move away from finding a formula for right/wrong/normal. Because there is no such thing. Every person and every couple has a special history and dynamic. Times of anti-pleasure stress such as births, deaths or unemployment alternate with more pleasurable times. And so the number of sexual encounters varies considerably over the course of a relationship. Ultimately, it is not important how often or whether a couple has sex at all, regardless of how you define it. What matters is that a couple is satisfied with each other and in communication. Those who are mentally and emotionally connected can live well with all phases. In that case, five times a week or even a year can be just right.
Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION