The first time is not just once in a lifetime

The time has finally come! The first time is just around the corner. No matter what experiences we have already had, no matter how enlightened we are, no matter how old we are - this first time has a very special significance. It will remain in our memories forever and also has the status of an acceptance ritual in our culture. We feel accepted into the community of the sexually active and the sexually experienced. But arguing that there are much more important moments in life is as futile as tilting at windmills. There is life before and life after. Some people plan their first time well in advance and are prepared for all eventualities. And others decide to do it spontaneously because it's just so nice or because an opportunity suddenly arises.

Idee für mich
via Anonymous
02/21/2018, 11:26
Reiferes Paar versteckt sich unter Bettdecke© iStock
New and exciting: For many of us, the first time happens more than just once.

Waiting for the very first time

But if you think this topic is only of interest to young people, I would like to prove you wrong: More and more people are starting to explore sexuality with their partner later or even much later. In its 2015 study on adolescent sexuality, the Federal Center for Health Education (BZgA) found that 11% of young adults over the age of 18 had not yet had any physical contact with the opposite sex. And over 18 is a broad field.

The reasons behind this can be:

- The lack of the right partner
- Their own shyness
- Fear of parents
- Fear of awkwardness
- Fear of pregnancy
- Sex before marriage is not right

The first time with another partner after a long relationship

Then there are those who are sharing a bed with a new partner for the first time after a very long relationship. Here we also find older people who have been with their spouse since their youth and who sometimes have not had any other experiences, who have never been intimate with another person. Adjusting to a new partner now can be a particular challenge. In addition to the uncertainty about how to behave, what is appropriate and what sex actually involves, feelings of guilt towards the partner who may have died can also arise. This sometimes requires clarification, as in younger years.

The first time after a long, long break

And then there are those who haven't had sex for a long time, sometimes not for years. Getting back in the saddle and adjusting to closeness and intimacy is difficult for many. After all, there are reasons for abstinence. These can be

- Emotional injuries
- Experiences of violence
- Separations that have not been dealt with
- Own feelings of inadequacy
- High expectations of new partnerships
- Illnesses

This builds up inhibitions and insecurities. From the outside, it's easy to say "Why don't you go online? You're sure to find someone there." Or "You're just too demanding." All too often, it's not the other person's fault, but our own. We ourselves don't even allow contact for one reason or another or unconsciously boycott it. Because the less we get involved, the less we can be hurt. In this case, it makes sense to consciously face your own fears.

Everyone has their own baggage to carry

What I would like to get to is the question of how we deal with the state of our sexual experiences. I would like us to be much more forgiving, both with ourselves and with others. After all, everyone is excited, whether very young or more mature, whether for the very first time or a later first time. And there are special hurdles in each case:

- The late starters also feel the social pressure of having to have done it by their age. But sometimes the circumstances are different. And that should be okay.
- The first new partner at a later age raises questions about morality and decency. And makes you aware of possible gaps in your knowledge. What about contraception or safer sex? A woman may never have dealt with this before or not for a long time.
- Those taking a break first have to get used to having another person in their lives or in their bed again.

In this context, the not entirely serious question was recently asked as to when a man-woman actually reverts to her virgin status. After all, fears and insecurities can also arise later on and people can feel completely inexperienced again. And the more we deal with this, the more impressive the longed-for or imminent first time seems to us.

Humor and openness are the best way forward

If, in an emergency, we act as if we are the master or mistress of the situation, we lose ourselves internally. Because then we have to act and distance ourselves from our real feelings. I would say get rid of your insecurities and fears. Address them and talk about them. If you have the right partner, you may even get closer this way. And if it doesn't work out as planned, humor is still the best way to deal with those insecurities.

That's easier said than done, I know. It just doesn't help, things can always go wrong: You miss the bus, catch a run in the perfect outfit, the bra can't be opened with a gallant hand movement as planned, pill forgotten, glasses bump into each other, penis goes limp, vagina not as wet as hoped, condom put on the wrong way round, slipped off or torn. If you laugh about it together instead of fretting about it, you'll end up getting closer and relaxing much better. And then the whole thing is fun. After all, sex is not a test. Also, don't forget that there are usually two people who are excited.

For the sake of clarity, I have used the masculine neuter in various places and simply written "the partner" instead of "the partner". However, both are always meant.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION