Where do you like to be touched during sex? On the clitoris or the lips of Venus? Inside the vagina? What about the nipples, the penis or the testicles? On the perineum or the anus? On the inside of the thighs? On the neck or earlobes? A foot reflexology massage has brought many a woman to the brink of erotic madness. There are lots of possibilities and we all react differently to touch. You may have noticed that some areas of the body are only receptive to erotic feelings when you are aroused.

And sometimes we don't react in the way we would expect. Not everyone's nipples tighten and not everyone likes being touched in the anus. Men love it when their penis is the focus of attention. However, if they are preoccupied with something completely different, touching them can also be rather undesirable. Sensitivity also changes again in a state of pleasure. Some people still love direct stimulation of the clitoris, while others find it unpleasant or even painful. So it's completely normal that nothing always feels the same at the touch of a button.

Everything changes in life

And although we actually know all this very well, we often focus on the same places during sex. Once we've been with someone for a longer period of time, the amount of time we spend making love usually decreases. We soon find out where he or she is easiest to arouse. And head straight for it. It almost seems as if our body acts independently of our soul. But it doesn't. Body and soul belong together, especially during sex. One would be inconceivable without the other. And so it may well be that sensations or favorite spots change or that we simply get bored with the same procedure over time. As exciting as it may have been at the beginning. And then we are surprised at first and frustrated afterwards.

There is another way to do it yourself

Not to mention masturbation. Once we know the quickest way to reach our goal, we usually take the same route:

• Why spend a long time caressing your own body?
• Why explore where touch could still be pleasurable?
• What man is going to focus intensively on his perineum and the prostate underneath when it's so much quicker with a targeted up and down movement of the penis?
• What woman consciously engages with her genitals when she knows that a vibrator or tensing her pelvic floor muscles promises a quick orgasm?

There is still so much to discover here! What arouses us? Can we increase our arousal before we start? What other touches are possible? Can we play with rhythm, body tension or breathing?

Exploring new paths again and again

That's why it's wonderful if we pause every now and then, whether alone or as a couple, and take stock. What is going well at the moment? What are we happy with? What are we missing? And how can we change or expand this? We should be honest with ourselves and open to suggestions from our loved one.

We are very vulnerable, especially in our sexuality, and quickly react by withdrawing when supposed criticism or insensitive requests for improvement are directed at us. However, if we want to make our love life varied and satisfying, we have to deviate from the easiest path and develop ourselves further. After all, we may very well develop new desires over the course of the relationship, we may come up with completely new ideas, we may simply want more.

Developing love rituals

Perhaps we don't even know what we want to try out yet. Then we can inspire each other and turn it into a love ritual.

• Once a month, we just caress and explore each other's bodies. And without any specific sexual acts. Just enjoy, be close and talk about it. Which touches feel good where? Stroking the skin, applying gentle pressure, light tapping. With your hands, a feather, an ice cube, a sauna brush. Half an hour and then alternate. You can both explore the most intimate areas. However, it is always important to be unintentional so that there is no pressure.
• Each partner can write a wish on five cards. This can be anything from a romantic evening to skillful bondage. But be as specific as possible so that the other person understands you. For example, describe what exactly you want from a romantic evening. Take it in turns to draw the cards and read them to each other. There is no obligation to act. But what can you imagine putting into practice? And what might be possible in a different form? You may be shocked, but you may also be relieved. And perhaps you'll find yourself on a joint bondage course afterwards.

Feel inside yourself and be honest with yourself and your loved one. Only when we know and make it clear what we want will we get it! And we will certainly discover completely new erotic worlds as a couple or alone!

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION