Annika (34) and Lars (37) from Hanover: "Each of us should be allowed to live out our sexuality"

We met seven years ago and I told Lars straight away that I wasn't interested in a monogamous relationship. Because my previous relationships had always failed because I didn't just fancy my partner, but also other men. And why should that be wrong? Why can't my partner accept that? I would also allow him to have sex adventures with other women. If you really love each other, you give the other person what they want. After all, you don't own another person either. You share life and love with them. Fortunately, Lars was willing to embark on this experiment. The relationship with him is wonderful. We moved in together four years ago, want to get married soon and would like to have a child. Our deal: if we have other sex partners, we introduce them to each other. Condoms are also a matter of course. And: if we've had sex with someone else, we tell them about it too. It doesn't have to be down to the last detail, but it does have to be quite specific. I'm not afraid that one of us might fall in love with someone else. Our love is too strong for that. But I would like to see more understanding for our type of relationship. Friends just shake their heads about it. They can't understand it all. Okay, they don't have to. The main thing is that we're both happy and content with it!"

Doris (64) and Hannes (67) from Leipzig: "We can let go because we love each other"

Hannes and I have known each other for half an eternity, 36 years to be precise. We have a daughter who now has a child of her own. We simply know each other inside out. There are no secrets. As far as our sex life is concerned, we've never fooled ourselves. Of course, we both noticed that sex was becoming less and less frequent. But unlike other couples, we talked about it openly and didn't just leave it out in the open. We admitted to ourselves that it was just a bit boring always having the same partner. However, the idea of a non-monogamous relationship only came to us later. There was a time, about ten years ago, when Hannes had an epididymitis that didn't heal for a long time. After that, he had erectile dysfunction for a while. Sex was out of the question. And we thought: what if it never worked again? Would I then have to go without? Or could Hannes imagine me having sex with another man? How jealous would he be? Could he bear it? And he asked me: 'And what would it be like for you if it was the other way around? You couldn't, but I could? We both found it exciting somehow to give up the monogamy of our relationship and discussed it a lot. What would be possible? How far could we go? In the end, we always came to the same conclusion: we love each other very much, would never leave each other and would simply allow the other person to have this experience. But only if none of it happened in secret. Hannes was now healthy again - but we still wanted to give it a try: Sex with another partner. And we did. The first time, it was quite strange to talk about it. A mixture of jealous, excited and tense. Since then, we've both had four other partners, usually only two or three times. It's exciting and nice. But we don't need it all the time."

What the expert says

Nils Terborg, coach & author
He advises people who are looking for the right partner or want to change their existing relationship. www.nilsterborg.de, www.facebook.com/nilsterborgautor/

A non-monogamous relationship is certainly not for everyone - nor should it be. But it's worth taking a deeper look. Perhaps you can learn something from it for your own relationship? Our expert answers the most important questions.

How do I realize that I want an open relationship?
"If the desire to sleep with someone other than your partner becomes stronger and stronger, an open relationship can be discussed as an option. Even if there have been infidelities in the past and the couple had the impression that the arguments about them were worse than the escapades themselves, an open relationship can provide relief."

What type of person do I have to be to be non-monogamous?
"Of course, like almost everyone, you're allowed to be jealous. However, it is helpful to develop your ability to influence your own feelings (technical jargon: emotion regulation). After all, a relationship cannot cope with an infinite number of jealous dramas in a short space of time. The good news is that you can practise dealing constructively with your own feelings, provided you have the will to do so."

When should I leave it alone?
"If you're extremely jealous, have big goals in other areas of your life, are extremely prone to stress or are already wondering where you're going to find the free time anyway, you're not doing yourself any favors. Of course, an open relationship also doesn't help to 'repair' a problematic relationship."

Are there certain rules that should apply?
"I advocate that all rules, without exception, should be negotiated by the couple. Some rules, such as the famous 'don't ask, don't tell' rule, I also explain in more detail in my book. For example, this helps more at the beginning than after a few months or years."

How do I actually deal with my jealousy?
"From my point of view, a clear change of perspective works in the long term. If your partner has sex with someone else and this thought remains permanently negative, jealousy will be triggered again and again. The way out of this leads to shared joy and a very positive image of sex, new acquaintances and intimacy."

What advantages can an open relationship have?
"Very few people are only attracted to their partner. In an open relationship, this is inevitably dealt with transparently. Dealing with it in this way can make a relationship more honest and bring the couple closer together. And perhaps one or the other will appreciate their partner much more when it becomes clear that it's okay to make an effort here and there in order to remain attractive to the other person."