Sex dating could be the solution for couples whose love life is only pulsating weakly. Some may object that this is rather unromantic. It's much nicer when sex develops spontaneously and on its own from being together. Yes, if it does, that's also wonderful. However, anyone who has been in a long-term relationship and possibly started a family knows how rarely they have time for each other. Who has ever had this or a similar conversation? Hands up!
"When are we going to do something together again?"
"Next week Monday? I can't do sport then!"
"No, I can't, I have a moms' meeting from the toddler group then."
"Hm, then I could make Friday evening free."
"I always have yoga then, that's bad too."
"Hm, my parents are coming on Saturday evening. How about Sunday morning?"
"I'm doing the training course at the weekend. That's why you have the children..."
I can literally see all the hands stretching into the air. There's not much room for a spontaneous and full love life. Of course, you can make love in a hurry late at night or early in the morning. That may be nice from time to time. But in the long run, the romance is lost. And at some point, one of the two will feel deprived, neglected and bored. So it doesn't help to get out the calendar and plan for the long term!
Anticipation is half the fun
If you want to go to the movies together, it's bound to happen spontaneously from time to time. However, if you want to see the latest blockbuster and want to have good seats, it's definitely worth reserving tickets. This means you have to plan the evening. When do we both have time? Where are we taking the children? Are we going out to eat beforehand? Will we have time for a nightcap afterwards? And then comes the anticipation. Let's think back to Star Wars. What excitement that was! Advertising everywhere, fans were excitedly looking forward to the movie for weeks. Everyone speculated about what the movie would be like. And then the time had finally come! If you ask the fans, it was precisely these weeks of anticipation that really increased the pleasure. Why shouldn't it be the same with sex? Anticipation is half the battle. Imagine you know that you have arranged to have sex with your partner the night after next. How can you prepare for this? What can you do together? What do you need? What do you want to give each other? What can you do to make both of you feel comfortable?
Give lust a chance!
The time has come, the date is here. Not in the mood? No problem! You don't have to be in the mood beforehand for such a little fling. It can also arise while you're together and spending time together. The appetite comes with eating, as the saying goes. This is especially true for sex. The sex researcher Rosemary Basson has developed a model for female sexuality that deals precisely with this type of "desire acquisition". According to this model, desire can also arise in the course of sexual contact, simultaneously with or after sexual arousal. This is due to the fact that we also satisfy our non-sexual needs for closeness, acceptance and security through physical closeness. And this is precisely why sex without orgasm can be extremely satisfying and gratifying. But it's not so important to actually make love every time. It's also enough to cuddle together, kiss and hug each other really intimately and be close in this way. When we cuddle, the body releases the bonding hormone oxytocin. This calms us down and gives us a pleasant shiver. And even if it's a sex date, we shouldn't put ourselves under pressure. After all, it inhibits desire. However, the good thing about this type of date is that no one has to go first and fear being rejected.
Really take time for each other
It is very important for a relationship to consciously make time for each other again and again. However, this is exactly what tends to fall by the wayside in everyday life. Conversations about the job, the children, the in-laws, the neighbors or money are not conversations about the couple as such. They are conversations about the framework conditions. A quick kiss on the way out, a fleeting hug on the way home are not enough to create closeness. Conversely, having a lot of time for each other doesn't mean that passion is there every day. On the contrary, couples who are together all the time quickly lose their passion. It's important to strike a balance between closeness and distance. And times when it's all about the couple and closeness and intimacy have a chance to unfold.
Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION