She tries everything she can think of. Hot lingerie, a coat with nothing underneath, waiting for him naked in his bedroom, slipping him her panties in the restaurant. She lures him into the shower, simply falls all over him. But nothing happens. Then she tries talking. That doesn't get her anywhere either. He's just not in the mood right now, there's something really exciting on TV, he's tired, wouldn't they rather cook? She is at her wits' end. And doubts herself. Is she not attractive enough for him? Is he possibly not into women at all? After all, he is a man and they are always in the mood. Yes? Is that really the case?

One effect, many causes

To put it simply: it's nonsense that men always want to and always can. Unfortunately, this is one of the most persistent prejudices that both men and women use to put themselves under pressure. And just like problems with erections, women often attribute this avoidance behavior to themselves. The self-doubt and accusations that quickly result from this further fuel the downward spiral. And the desire hides deeper and deeper. There are a variety of reasons for withdrawing from shared sexuality:

1. Avoidance behavior can arise from a fear of failing at sex or not being good enough for your partner. Especially when men are older or significantly older than their partner, it can happen that they think they have to be more experienced and more potent than their partner. In doing so, they slow themselves down. In addition, many people still believe that only sexual intercourse is real sex. If a woman then makes it clear that there is much more to fulfilling sexuality, this can quickly become unsettling. And last but not least, the fear of not having an erection can also lead to a man avoiding sexual activity altogether. This is where informative and relieving couples or sexual counseling can help.
2. Many people find it difficult to talk about their sexual desires and fantasies. They don't want to frighten the other person and sometimes don't want to admit their desires to themselves. However, if you don't get what you long for in the long term, you can lose interest in sex. This applies to both men and women. Breaking out of well-worn patterns always requires courage. But if it's backed up by a pleasurable sexuality, it's worth it! You should use 'I' messages in the conversation: "I wish that ..."
3. Stress and pressure are clear pleasure killers. If you are under constant pressure at work, underutilized or, on the contrary, overworked, if you have financial worries or family problems, you may lose your desire. After all, sexuality does not stand alone, it is closely interwoven with our whole life and our personality. It's like an appetite that disappears when we're not feeling well. A couple should look together at how the situation can be changed.
4. Health reasons also play a role. For example, listlessness can not only be an undesirable side effect of medication but also the first sign of depression. Prof. Dr. Frank Sommer from the UKE in Hamburg believes that the drop in testosterone levels after the age of 35 is one of the main reasons for listlessness in men. Don't panic: Testosterone levels do not fall in the same way in all men and can remain at their original level for decades. A visit to the doctor can clarify whether the cause can be found here. Excessive alcohol consumption, lack of exercise and an overall unhealthy lifestyle also contribute to a sexless relationship.
5. An anti-lustful parenting style, religious prohibitions, moral beliefs and also experiences of abuse can inhibit a man's desire. They may be thrown overboard at the beginning of a relationship, but return all the stronger after a while. This is then difficult to bear. It cannot be what must not be. Therapy is recommended here to bridge the gap between desire and conscience.

At first glance, it is rarely clear from the outside what reasons lead to sexual avoidance behavior. It is also often not so easy for the man himself to find out. After all, men don't have any problems, let alone psychological ones ... There are various possible solutions, depending on the cause of the problem. This means developing a detective's instinct and getting to the bottom of the matter together. And it doesn't help that an open and honest conversation is the first step on the way to more pleasure.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION