"I'm proud of myself today. I bought a college pad for Luis, half lined, half squared. He needs it for school. He came with the request two weeks ago. I managed it this afternoon. What is completely normal for other mothers is a real feat for me.
I've been living alone with Luis and Karla for three years. After both births, I went back to work early on and my ex and I were a well-coordinated team. We shared dropping off and picking up the children, and I usually did the shopping myself because I only worked 30 hours. The household was also a joint effort. Everything was going well - until my ex moved out overnight. The children were three and six at the time. At first I was completely devastated. And of course I grieved.
You bear all the responsibility and worries alone
But there were also two little mice who wanted to know where daddy was and who were sad. Who wanted to be comforted. And who had to be taken to nursery and school and given clean clothes to wear.
In fact, I'm still lucky: my ex takes the children every third weekend because he's moved further away. He also pays regularly. At least he does. And I have a good job. With my 30 hours, the maintenance from my ex and the child benefit, we get by quite well, even if saving money falls by the wayside. I know that many others are much worse off. I don't want to start whining here, but being a single parent is a big task.
Our days are absolutely packed. There's no room for fun arts and crafts in the afternoon and walks in the woods collecting leaves in the fall. At least not on weekdays. The kids are in after-school care until 4 pm. Sometimes they go to friends' houses in the afternoon. I'm home around 5 pm. And no matter how exhausting it was at the office, now it's the kids' turn. I want to be in a good mood - but unfortunately that doesn't always work. They need attention, at least for the hours until they go to bed. Nevertheless, this time is not always free. The older one has to quickly learn a poem by heart. The little one has smeared tomato sauce in her hair at lunchtime. So it's off to the shower.
There is no time to take a breath and relax
Luis goes to karate once a week and Karla goes dancing the next day. I wait outside the door with the other one. Of course, dinner is also part of the daily program. Then there's half an hour of TV, not always, but often. And finally there are the bedtime rituals. When it's finally quiet, it's time to tidy up, iron, mend pants and I don't know what else. My "work-children's day" is usually over by half past nine. And I sit on the sofa and know what's been left lying around because I didn't get it done or it was forgotten.
On top of that, I feel constantly guilty that I'm neglecting the children, that I don't have enough time for them, that I'm not giving them enough attention. I've never been one of those mothers who get involved, who help out at sports events or stand in at the cake buffet for an hour. I
just have to work, mainly to finance ourselves and to be able to survive later in retirement. Sometimes fear interferes: What if something happens to me? My father is not within easy reach, my grandparents are far away. At such thought points,
my breath stops for a moment.
I know that I've been neglecting myself for a long time. And sometimes I think: this will go on forever and I might not be able to manage it. But somehow it will work out. It has to. And I reassure myself with the thought that my little ones are becoming more and more independent. My favorite postcard hangs on the fridge. It says: "Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman. Then be Batman." I was definitely Batman today: I thought about the college notebook on the way home and bought it. It's even already in Luis' school bag."
Tips and information on the topic: sharing is important
Expert Miriam Hoheisel is the national director of the Association for Single Mothers and Fathers. It provides information, advice and lobbying. It is difficult for single parents to take moments to relax: They are constantly challenged. We asked our expert how best to deal with the constant stress.
Are there any good strategies for dealing with everyday stress?
"Single parents have precisely timed their everyday life between work, daycare or school and household. Nevertheless, time is always too short. This is often associated with the feeling of not being able to do justice to either the job or the child. There is no one-size-fits-all solution here. Talking to other single parents and supporting each other can help to find ways forward. It is also important to plan time for yourself. And to organize childcare for yourself. Everyone needs times to relax and do nothing to recharge their batteries."
What help can or should women take advantage of?
"Advice from the VAMV or a family advice center can provide information about entitlements to family policy benefits, such as advance maintenance payments. If there are problems with child support, for example, single parents can set up a guardianship with the youth welfare office to enforce child support."
How could the status of single parents be improved?
"Politicians must improve the social framework conditions: Single parents want a job they can make a living from and childcare that fits in with their working hours. They no longer want to be treated like singles in tax terms and fall through the cracks when it comes to family benefits. A basic child benefit, for example, would ensure that no child has to live in poverty."
Do you have any good advice for all single parents?
"My advice is to talk to other single parents. It can be good, empowering and has often led to liberating 'aha' moments: Others have comparable experiences to mine. So it's not my fault that I have so little money at my disposal, for example. Rather, there are social reasons for this, as single parents are still disadvantaged in our society. The good thing is that a society is not a law of nature, but is made by people and can therefore be changed."
Our book tips:
Matthias Franz presents exercises for mothers to strengthen their bond with their child.
Christine Finke's standard work is great. The dedicated mother writes the blog https://mama-arbeitet.de/.
Katja Zimmermann talks about her sometimes chaotic life as a single mother of twins.
Alexandra Widmer has lots of tips for women on how to cope with stress and prevent burnout.
You might also be interested in this:
This regulates custody: The most important facts
After the separation: When children choose dad
Alternating model: One week mom, one week dad!
Single parenting: tips and help
Early motherhood, late motherhood? The right time to have children
Single mother Anne: Dating as a mother is very different
