Love is not something you can plan for. It just happens. The heart beats faster, we float as if on clouds. This feeling is unique. Preserving it is a real art. If there is a crisis, help from couples therapists is often the last chance to turn things around. But does couples therapy always help?

Advice in couples therapy that doesn't make sense:

Jump over your own shadow. That doesn't suit everyone ...

If there has been an argument, someone has to have the courage to reach out. Psychologists say that it shouldn't always be the same person, otherwise there is an imbalance. But if one of the two naturally finds this easier, why shouldn't they take on this role? The other may be the first to bring up problems.

Mirroring each other. Or the parrot sends its regards ...

Therapists like to advise people to repeat what the other person says. Like a pilot who acknowledges everything the tower tells him. Mirroring is intended to prevent people from talking past each other. What the professionals forget: This is almost impossible to implement in heated discussions. Apart from that, it makes you feel like a parrot. Nevertheless, if you are not one hundred percent sure that you have understood your partner correctly, it is better to ask more than too little.

Formulate "I" messages. Difficult in the heat of the moment ...

The guiding principle behind this: always remain objective and convey your own feelings without direct criticism. But let's be honest, when you're really angry with your partner, which sentence slips off your lips more easily: a.) "How can you be so stupid as to forget the camera?" or b.) "Honey, I'm annoyed because I would have liked to have taken photos on vacation." Criticism is not always packaged calmly and objectively. When your pulse is at 180, first-person messages simply come across as contrived. You can only achieve a culture of conversation like this if you practise, practise and practise again. Both of you. By the way: shouting can also be very liberating.

Avoid generalizations. And what if it's true?

They are all too happy to rumble out of you in an argument: Words that convey that the other person "always" behaves this way or that or "never" does anything right. And what if you have a husband who actually NEVER takes out the trash? Why shouldn't you call a spade a spade then? Which the couples therapists are right about: Concrete examples are better than blanket accusations.

Find common hobbies. But not by hook or by crook, please

Time and again, relationship advice books give the following tip: find a hobby together that you both enjoy. If it works, great. Perhaps your husband is one of the few people who enjoy taking a dance class. But what if he loves soccer and she loves yoga? Free time is limited - especially if you have children together. A shared hobby cannot be a compulsory program. Isn't it more important that you still find time to do things together despite all your leisure activities?