According to a new study by Yale University, helpfulness has a positive effect on our daily well-being. The more often the participants looked after other people or offered their help to others, the better their mental state was. But the desire to help others can also get out of hand. Read here to find out when it becomes dangerous.

What is helper syndrome?

This refers to a certain psychological attitude. It affects people who derive a large part of their self-esteem from helping others. They put their needs above their own and often give more than they receive. They then expect gratitude and recognition in return. They often impose their help on others and overlook their own physical limitations. People with helper syndrome often work in professions such as nurses, doctors or clergymen. The desire to help other people excessively therefore affects all social classes.

Partnership: Choosing a partner with helper syndrome

People with helper syndrome will always choose partners who can mother them around the clock if possible. They therefore look for partners who are more or less willing to be dependent on them - only this kind of relationship makes sense for people in the eyes of the helper. An addict, for example, may also find it practical if a lot of things are taken off their hands. Comfortable and less strong people often buckle under the pressure of help, get used to it or break up later. Reproaches such as "I've always done everything for you" are then common and can put a lot of strain on a partnership. It is therefore important that the helper syndrome is addressed in the relationship and that the person affected is confronted with it again and again. It is wrong to simply present the person affected with a fait accompli in the form of a separation. You should always remember that helping is like a compulsion for those affected. They therefore need help to get out of the helper role.

Causes of helper syndrome: Where does it come from?

It mainly affects people who have low self-esteem. By helping, they compensate for the feeling of being the weaker one and try to solve the problem. They don't want to feel like a victim. After all, you are important when you are needed. There are, of course, some character traits that encourage the development of helper syndrome. Certain personality structures are inherent in its nature. For example, one person tends to pursue their goals in a straightforward manner without caring about others, while the other is much more interested in the well-being of their fellow human beings. These people tend to be more vulnerable. But other motives also play an important role: childhood influences. Children who have experienced little love, affirmation or recognition from their parents often believe they have to work for affection. Especially because of sentences like "Mommy is sad because of you", children get the feeling that their behavior is solely responsible for the emotional state of others. Fear often plays a role. This can also lead to helper syndrome in adulthood. Schmidbauer (1992) even goes so far as to speak of addictive behavior. Those affected feel comfortable in the role of the martyr and are even proud of being particularly capable of suffering and self-sacrificing.

Helper syndrome symptoms: How do you recognize that you have helper syndrome?

If you constantly help other people without being asked and no longer show any consideration for their needs, then this is a sure sign of a disorder. It's not about interfering occasionally. If you can't help yourself and don't even react to objections or protests, this is known as helper syndrome.

These signs help you to recognize whether you are suffering from helper syndrome:

• Consistently giving more than you get back
• Helping without being asked
• (Regularly) ignoring your own needs
• Knowing more about the wishes and needs of others than about your own
• Exhaustion
• Depression
• Having no goals and ambitions of their own
• Not accepting help themselves
• Taking medication/addictive substances to cope with the stress

Is helper's syndrome a recognized illness?

It is a term coined by the psychoanalyst Wolfgang Schmidbauer, but it is not a classified illness. Rather, the behavior of an affected person leads to illnesses - such as depression or burnout. However, people with helper syndrome don't just exert themselves physically. They fight inner battles because they can't say no and their willingness to help is sometimes exploited. And they suffer when the response to their well-intentioned helpfulness is not as they would like it to be. The problem is that everyone is happy to accept a certain amount of help. There are also some who rest on the laurels of others and enjoy a relaxed life. However, most people get annoyed at some point because they feel that being forced to help is an invasion of their privacy. Or they don't like the feeling of being mothered around the clock and sometimes feel downright incapacitated. This can lead to anger, disappointment and a lack of understanding on both sides.

Helper syndrome: there are two forms of help

In the helper syndrome, a distinction is made between two types of help: solidary and pathological help. Helping in solidarity is always actually aimed at the needs of the other person. What can you do for them, what do they need? Pathological helping unconsciously focuses on the needs of the helper. In this case, the helper satisfies their own desire, which, as previously mentioned, is reflected in forced help. This form can be classified as selfish behavior, because the person acts without being asked and completely ignores whether others want help or not.

Does it affect more men or women?

Many experts are of the opinion that the helper syndrome affects more women because, from a biological point of view, they are already geared towards the needy and helpless. They themselves often lack appreciation. They give birth to children and are initially the closest caregiver for the offspring - and what is more in need of help than an infant? For this reason, the tendency is higher among women. But that doesn't mean that every mother has helper syndrome. This caring is completely natural. But the predisposition can favor the development of the syndrome.

Is helping a bad thing?

Helping is a good thing per se. Humans are by nature social beings who survive successfully in groups and like to share problems. That's why we have a (more or less pronounced) natural urge to support our fellow human beings. This is important in our society! Even if we put our own needs on the back burner from time to time, this is by no means a bad sign. However, those who sacrifice themselves to help others can consequently suffer from mental illnesses such as burnout, depression and other psychosomatic conditions. From this point onwards, helping others is no longer a good deed. The permanent subordination of one's own mental and physical needs no longer has anything to do with a good, natural willingness to help.

How can those affected overcome the illness?

Clearly, the self-confidence of those affected must be strengthened - this is usually done as part of therapy. They should learn that they are also loved without having to "work for it". At the same time, they must learn to accept a "no" from relatives, neighbors or colleagues if they don't want help - without falling into a deep hole. The people affected should therefore learn to be happy without the confirmation of others. To do this, they often first have to learn to say no in order to overcome the helper syndrome. Of course, this also means a change for the partner and family if everything was always done for them before. You mustn't allow yourself to be put under pressure when they say "But mom, you've always done that for us!". Then it's time for things to change and for the environment to become more independent. Your own needs need to be taken into account more and others need to be ignored. Expert advice: If those affected are asked for help, they should take their time to make a decision. This allows them to clarify this issue for themselves.

How do outsiders deal with the syndrome?

Of course, this always depends on how interested outsiders are. If they welcome the help offered, they will most likely not approach the person. However, it is also often the case that people from the environment feel overwhelmed by the help. In this case, you should point this out to the person concerned in a friendly but firm manner and not let anything be taken out of your hands. For example, it can help to make it clear how important it is for you to be able to do something on your own and without help. Compliments that do not refer to an act of help are also important. This is good for self-confidence.

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