We simply don't always have as much time for each other as we did at the beginning of a relationship. We hardly talk to each other anymore and grow further and further apart. And then we wonder, wide-eyed, why there's nothing going on in bed either. Oops, how could that have happened? But it's quite logical: if we spend less time together, talk to each other less and our love life is on the back burner, we also have less sex.
Sex should be at the top of our list
Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte surveyed more than 70,000 people for their book The Normal Bar (in German: Wer zusammenhält, ist weniger allein: Von glücklichen Paaren lernen). And lo and behold, those couples who put sex at the top of their list of priorities are also the most satisfied with their love life. Because only what we take seriously is important to us. Logical again, isn't it? So what's wrong with putting sex back at the top of our own list of priorities? However, this is a conscious sex-affirming decision and doesn't happen by itself!
The magic thirteen
The American psychologist and mathematician John Gottman has been working with couples for decades. He has compared the results of the study with his own experiences. The result is 13 behaviors that all happy couples have in common. And it's not about direct sexual acts. We need to start much earlier and change the way we interact with each other on a daily basis:
1. passionate couples say "I love you" to each other every day and mean it. That doesn't sound so spectacular at first. But when was the last time you confessed your love to your loved one? All too often we think "Oh, he or she knows that. Otherwise we wouldn't be together." Fiddlesticks. It's just so much nicer to hear it again and again. So go on, start today and make a start! A deep look into each other's eyes and an intimate kiss. Which brings us to the next point.
2. passionate couples kiss passionately and for no reason at all. The emphasis is on passionate. And for no reason at all. It is precisely this passionate kissing that is the first thing to fall by the wayside in many relationships. Instead, fleeting kisses are exchanged when saying hello or goodbye. Even during sex, our genitals are more likely to meet than our tongues. And if we kiss just like that, it often turns into an invitation to have sex. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that sometimes our tongues get stuck in our throats because we already know what's coming next. The surprise is missing, the opportunity to simply enjoy kissing as such. That's why we should just make out more often.
3. passionate couples surprise each other with romantic gifts. Don't we all think it's wonderful to be surprised with a gift? It's not about material treasures or daily gifts. Just keep your eyes open and bring something that might make your loved one happy. It's the small gestures that count and the thought behind them. "Look, I've found your favorite tea." It's all about realizing that the other person has thought of us.
4. passionate couples know what turns their partner on erotically and what doesn't. We often think we know this. But is that really true? Perhaps we only know what turns us on and then transfer that to the other person. Or we've memorized that the other person has reacted lustfully to something at some point. And we have then adopted this into our standard repertoire. But that can change! And there may be something new to discover here too.
5. passionate couples are physically affectionate. Even in public. Yes, we've been over this before, you might be thinking. But we're not just talking about kissing. We're talking about affectionate gestures such as a folded arm, holding hands or stroking a cheek. In all of these gestures, we express our affection in a physical way. And we also show this affection to others. We visibly stand by our partner, so to speak. This warms our hearts.
6 Passionate couples play together and have fun. At the beginning of a relationship, we play around, play with each other and laugh about the most unfunny things. And then the seriousness of life catches up with us and in the routine of everyday life we behave accordingly. We suppress our informality and childlike curiosity. Play creates excitement, joy and can even trigger feelings of happiness. Laughing and being silly together creates a very special bond between us. We are on the same wavelength. And it also has to do with trust. Because we really don't show ourselves like that to everyone.
7. passionate couples cuddle together. And that's soooo beautiful! But it's also something we lose in the course of a relationship. At least if we don't pay attention to it. And it's a bit like passionate kissing. It often becomes automatic: Once there's kissing or cuddling, one of the two wants sex afterwards. That's why some people's alarm bells start ringing as soon as things get a little more intimate. But cuddling is also possible without sex, completely without intention. So just leave it at that for once. The more relaxed we are, the sooner something can happen.
8 Passionate couples put sex at the top of their list of priorities. I already mentioned this at the beginning. If sex is a distant second, behind family, children, friends and all kinds of leisure activities, if everything else seems more important, then nothing will happen. If we want to have sex, then we have to make a conscious decision to do so and create the necessary space for it. But we should also be aware of what sex means to us. Is it pure pleasure? Or does it create a special closeness and intimacy with the other person? What does sex mean for our relationship?
9 Passionate couples also remain good friends. We may be lovers or perhaps even parents. But we should also be good friends. This means that we also have something in common beyond the bed, that we stand by each other and are there for each other. We can talk about anything with our best friend, act like crazy idiots or just have fun. We've already talked about the fun part above. But what about talking about everything?
10. passionate couples can talk about their love life. Talk about everything. Hmph. That's one thing. About sex? That's the other. Oh God, far too embarrassing. What does the other person think of me? We are so incredibly vulnerable here. Yet talking about sex, about our desires and ideas, can create a very special kind of intimacy. We bring what we do with our bodies into our consciousness through language. We open up, give trust and receive trust.
11. passionate couples have weekly appointments. Another week has gone by and we've only seen each other in passing. Maybe we've even had a quick fling before going to sleep. But if we want to have really good sex, we need to make a date. We need time to talk and engage with each other. Time in which we can reassure each other and recharge our batteries. Because that's the precursor to good sex, as we can see here. And then we also have time for sex.
12. passionate couples plan romantic vacations. Who hasn't been there? He wants to go here and she wants to go there. He wants to go fishing, she wants to go surfing. And then maybe there are the children. Vacations can be a real ordeal. However, if we have decided to spend time together as a couple, we have to get away from the usual sense of entitlement. It's about us. And then the vacation immediately takes on a different priority. And then maybe the children can stay somewhere else for a few days.
13 Passionate couples take care to turn to each other. Other words for affection are: Sympathy, responsiveness, affection, kindness, cordiality, goodness of heart, warmth, warm-heartedness, kindness, benevolence, goodness. We can leave it at that, can't we!
You see, good sex really doesn't just start at the bedroom door. How does it feel when you read these 13 points? Can you relate to them? What does it trigger in you? Do you find yourself?
For the sake of clarity, I have used the masculine neuter in various places and simply written "the partner" instead of "the partner". But both are always meant ;-)
Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION