But in a relationship? Especially when the other person is bursting with lust? Then listlessness can be a real source of tension. Because the more lust one person has, the less the other often has. Or to put it the other way around: The less desire one person has, the more urgent it becomes for the other. The active partner suddenly no longer feels accepted or even loved, while the listless partner feels pressured and has the feeling that they are not really meant to be. It's as if the other person only wants to satisfy their physical needs.

A typical stalemate. Nothing works anymore. You push each other further and further into a corner. And it seems as if the more urgent partner is to blame for the misery and the listless partner can't help it. When the lust is gone, it's gone. There's nothing you can do about it. But is that really the case? Or is there perhaps another way of looking at it?

Normal marital sadism

Not wanting to have sex, to be physically close to your partner, only seems to be a passive attitude at first glance. Because it's not as if the lustless person can't help it. Quite the opposite: listlessness can also be a sign of active resistance. In this context, sex therapist David Schnarch speaks of "normal marital sadism". If you don't give me what I want, you won't get what you want either.

"No", we rebel! "Not me!" Arms folded, head tilted towards the floor and foot stomping. "I would never do that! That's childish!" Nice example, isn't it! And what can I say, I've already done it too. If we look inside ourselves, we can probably all find a little hint of this form of denial of pleasure. If my partner doesn't help me around the house, he or she doesn't get any oral pleasure either. He or she hasn't listened to me again, so I don't respond to his or her wishes in bed either. It's as simple as that. We are often not even aware of this mechanism. And it's not always so easy to uncover the connections.

Childish behavior patterns

Where does this behavior come from? It is the child in us that is defiant. We repeat old patterns from childhood. Schnarch calls it the disgusting side of us. He writes that we all "torment the ones we love while pretending not to notice." And this is especially true in relationships. Perhaps this is because this is where we are most vulnerable.

Incidentally, this behavior doesn't just happen in romantic relationships. Parents also reach a point where they withhold attention from their children. Among friends or work colleagues, it is also quite common for us to actively refuse something or ourselves. Incidentally, we get more attention this way. With a bit of luck, we will be the center of attention while everyone else tries to change our minds. This gives the resisters power over what works and what doesn't. This is not the subtle way, but negative attention sometimes seems to be better than no attention at all.

Being an adult means taking responsibility for yourself

What should you do? The next time you find yourself in a situation like this, do some soul-searching and think about what's really going on.

- What is behind the listlessness?
- How does it feel at that moment?
- Do you really not feel like it or do you just not WANT to feel like it?

The latter is a big difference

What do you want to achieve with your behavior? If you want your partner to change his or her behavior, there should be other ways than withdrawing sexual attention. What options are available to resolve the conflict? How do you think the adult in you would act? If you follow these thoughts, you can take responsibility for yourself. Think about who you are really harming with your behavior. Because in the end, you are taking away a piece of your own vitality.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION

Source: Schnarch, David. The psychology of sexual passion. Piper Verlag GmbH: 11th edition 2011, from p. 363