Failure is also instructive, however, because we grow from these defeats. I can only agree with that too. However, according to the author, we need to be aware of our weaknesses. And we need strategies to deal with failure, I say. Because if we see every failure, no matter how small, as a personal failure, we will soon have nothing left to hold on to. Let's take a look at what this means for our sexuality.

The pressure of a meritocracy

We live in a meritocracy in which we are judged by what we achieve, when and how, and in what time. Be it at work, in family life, in sport, at university or in our free time. Leisure stress means making the most of even the time when we could be relaxing. For example, with sport, with friends, with cooking or with sex. All of these are wonderful activities in themselves. Far too often, however, we don't do them to enjoy ourselves. Instead, we feel the pressure to use every minute wisely and work on our personality or our body. We train tirelessly for the marathon, rush to yoga or meet up with a friend for a quick dinner.

Any failure, even of a psychological nature, is quickly seen as weakness or failure. We can't do that, we have to function! The pressure doesn't just come from outside. We have already internalized it. We ourselves believe that we have to do this or that.

The pressure extends into the bedroom

Let's take sex. We are actually happy in our relationship. But somewhere we read that having sex once a week is ideal for a relationship. What's more, our friends all seem to have more sex. So there's something wrong with us, even though it doesn't feel like it. But we definitely don't want to fail, neither in front of ourselves, our partner or others. Failure in the relationship would set us back years. So we arrange to have sex and get started. Even though we don't feel any desire. Maybe it will come. Or maybe it won't. If it doesn't, it can easily lead to problems. Sex becomes painful or the erection fails. Oops, failed, even though we only had the best intentions!

Just don't say anything, just don't show any feelings, just don't fail

The example of sexual desires is even clearer. We all have a more or less precise idea of what excites or satisfies us sexually. However, shame, the image of an ideal sexuality or, in particular, the fear of being rejected with these desires prevent us from revealing ourselves to others. We are so afraid of failing that we prefer not to say anything and hope that pleasure and satisfaction will come naturally. However, this rarely works. It's really bad when we dare and then aren't actually welcomed with open arms.

Let's imagine that he longs for closeness and wants to sleep with his partner. However, she has other things on her mind at the moment and doesn't feel like it at all. She tells him this straight out. He could now see her reaction as his own personal failure. After all, she has rejected him. Maybe she just doesn't find him attractive anymore, maybe the last time wasn't so good or maybe she has someone else anyway. The downward spiral begins to turn. He, who achieves so much at work, has to suffer such a rejection at home! Next time, he decides, he'd better not say anything. Pah. The negative thoughts take hold. Failure has a firm grip on him because it is not compatible with his self-image.

However, he could also take a relaxed approach to the whole thing and think about

• what is really behind his need for closeness.
• How he can satisfy his need for closeness instead. Maybe he can cuddle with the dog, play with the children, call his best friend, book a massage.
• what he can do better next time. After all, he knows very well that she won't be distracted.

In this case, he learns from the failure that he needs to use a different strategy. He doesn't see her rejection as a rejection of him, but only as a refusal to do it with him right now. Instead of being offended and withdrawing, he learns to hone his seduction skills and develops further as a result. Defeat becomes an opportunity to learn. They may even talk about this incident later and laugh together about the missed opportunity. Instead of devaluing each other, they strengthen their self-esteem, both individually and as a couple.

Failure as an opportunity for more pleasure

According to psychologist and failure researcher Olaf Morgenroth, failure even helps people to recognize new things about themselves and their environment, to break out of thought and action routines and to engage in other experiences. When we fail sexually, it often hits us at our core. But we have the chance to see failure as an opportunity to simply try something different, to empathize more with our partner, to refine our seduction skills or to take erotic detours. We don't have to achieve anything in sexuality. Have the courage and take failure as an incentive to think outside the box.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION

Source: zeit.de