Her life was hell: Michaela grew up with a narcissistic mother
My life with a narcissistic mother
Even at primary school age, Michaela realizes that her mother is different. At the time, she firmly believes that she was switched in hospital. For her, this is the only explainable reason why her mother can't love her the way other mothers love their children. Even Michaela's friends asked what was wrong with her mother? "But I could only shrug my shoulders. I didn't know either. And I didn't know any different." Today she knows: Her mother suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.
If I didn't do something the way she wanted, she kept quiet for days
But what exactly is it? What does it mean for our relationship? Michaela remembers: "If I didn't do something the way she wanted me to, the punishment was silent treatment." And this silence isn't just for a moment, it lasts for many days. Another form is gaslighting, from which Michaela suffered even more. "For example, if we had arranged something and I asked her about it again shortly beforehand, she would say 'You're crazy' or 'We've never talked about that' and often also: 'You're just imagining things'." This totally unsettled little Michaela. She was always to blame, sloppy, forgetful, lazy. When Michaela was 14, her parents separated. Her father had also always been subordinate to her mother. But partners can leave a destructive person - children cannot. Michaela initially stays in contact with her father. An absurdity for her mother. "You don't stand by me. You make my life so difficult!"
I came home and my mother was lying dead on the bed
Michaela also has to take blows. Although she says: "At least these are wounds that heal. "It was much worse than the hitting itself when my mother stood in front of me and thought aloud about how she could best do it so that it would hurt more." The suicide attempts faked by the mother are also emotionally cruel. The first time, everything is darkened and the mother lies on the bed as if dead. Michaela calls the ambulance. But when the ambulance arrives, the mother is already out of bed. She was only asleep. She will recreate this exact scene
reenact this exact scene for her child. Every time the mother doesn't answer her, Michaela creeps from one room to the next in a panic, expecting to find her dead mother straight away. "The people who suffer from this disorder are mainly concerned with having power over others," she knows today.
Michaela is bullied at school. It's terrible, but there is one good thing about it: she goes to the school psychologist. She can pour her heart out to him, including about her home. And he realizes that the problem is not with the 17-year-old, but with her mother. He writes a recommendation that Michaela should move out of her home. And that's exactly what happens. At first, the young woman breaks off contact. But through her first husband, she takes another step towards her mother. "Outsiders like him often can't understand it. They say it can't be that bad, or that you only have one mother!" Michaela, completely insecure, thinks: He's probably right. The first marriage is unhappy.
Michaela divorces him, remarries and has a child. There is a granny apartment in the new house - and the mother moves in. "At the time, I still thought that a family structure would give her stability and change her." A big mistake. Everything escalated when the second child was born. The mother wants nothing to do with this grandson because she sees his reddish hair as a sign of the devil. Michaela is thunderstruck and can't say anything - just like when she was a child. But now she has had enough. At the GP, she learns that her mother's completely absurd behavior has a name: narcissistic personality disorder. She seeks help from a therapist - and joins a self-help group for sufferers. "It's unbelievable how similar our stories are."
She also gets rid of her mother by court order, who refuses to move out despite being given notice. But Michaela knows: "She will keep me busy for the rest of my life."
True stories: My husband is impotent: Two women on a taboo subject
Tips and information on narcissism: When your feelings are all about your ego
Narcissistic personality disorder can be recognized by various characteristics. If more than half of them apply to a person, they are very likely to suffer from it.
People feelgrandiosely important and exaggerate their achievements and talents. They also expect everyone to recognize their superiority.
They are completely absorbedby their fantasies of power, boundless success, brilliance, beauty and ideal love.
They see themselvesas special and unique and would prefer to be surrounded only by such people.
They needexcessive admiration from everyone else.
A high sense of entitlement is also very typical. Narcissists expect everyone to respond to their demands and fulfill them.
Theyuse other people to achieve their own goals.
They have an absolute lack ofempathy . They are not prepared to recognize and accept the feelings of others.
They are very envious and believe that others are also envious of them.
Their communication style often comes across asarrogant and haughty - the fact that they hurt others doesn't bother them.
Internet addresses:
This is about narcissism in the family and the consequences, with a special focus on the mother-daughter relationship: www.narzissmus.org
Tips for anyone who has to live with a narcissist: www.umgang-mit-narzissten.de
The most important facts about narcissists in a nutshell: www.palverlag.de/lebenshilfe-abc/narzissmus.html
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