New lovers today rack their brains over such questions. Today, as in the past, we dream of love "until death do you part", despite all the sexual openness and complete freedom of choice in the form of cohabitation. Well, the divorce rate speaks against it. The probability that a marriage will end in divorce today is around 40%. And that doesn't even take into account the many relationships that end without a marriage certificate. So, do we love differently today or is something other than love holding the old long-term marriages together?

Anything is possible today, perhaps even too much

First of all, not as many people get married today as they used to. Why should they? Marriage used to legitimize sexuality, today it no longer even legitimizes the family. Today we have a multitude of unconventional forms of relationships. We can live together unmarried, have children and still be fully recognized by society. At least in the urban centers. Here we can live polyamorously, i.e. love several partners at the same time, or have same-sex relationships. Anything is possible.

In the past, however, heterosexual marriage was the only socially accepted form of cohabitation. And there was no escape from it. In the vast majority of cases, women were economically dependent on their husbands. They were blamed and ostracized by those around them if the marriage broke down. I still remember my own school days. Being a single parent or divorced was already considered a stigma by other parents. There were no opportunities to get information or advice in an emergency. Pension entitlements? No way. Of course, women still took the plunge. The second marriage of a friend of my mother's was almost a scandal. She had actually left her husband and looked for a new one. And she was happy with it! I'm sure that many more women and men would have split up if it hadn't been so unpleasant. So we just had to pinch our buttocks together and come to terms.

Two women, two stories

I've just had a wonderful experience on this subject. A few days ago, I struck up a conversation with two women born in 1939 at one of my favorite spots on the Elbe. I was curious, they were both forthcoming. So I asked them. Both had married at a young age, as was the custom back then. One of them decided quite spontaneously to get married after just six months. The reason, as so often back then, was pregnancy. Today, she wishes she had had more time to get to know her husband better. He worked all the time, came home late, threw himself in front of the TV, rolled over his wife in bed for a moment and fell asleep. Very soon, she no longer felt seen. She described the sex as follows: "He didn't understand what lovemaking was." She pulled the ripcord, looked for a lover and had her first orgasm at the age of 34. Although she left her husband at the time, the marriage never ended in divorce. Today she lives alone, in good friendship with her husband.

Her friend, on the other hand, only got married four years later and still lives with her now 82-year-old husband. He still works. And she still doesn't feel seen either. However, she never dared to take the step of separating. "Should I still get divorced at the age of 77?" she asked me when I asked her about it. She would probably have thought about it in the past, but "you didn't do that". When she was gone for a moment, her friend whispered to me: "You know what, I don't think my girlfriend has ever had an orgasm in her life."

Love as the only basis for relationships is not enough

Love is certainly a criterion for these seemingly eternal old marriages. But economic and social obstacles are at least as important. That's why I don't think that love itself has changed. What has changed, however, are the choices. On the one hand, today we give up far too quickly if we don't like something. Because the next partner is bound to come along. On the other hand, the basis of relationships today is a feeling: love. A feeling that can be very fleeting. We expect to remain in an emotional frenzy for the long term.

But love comes and goes. It also depends on the circumstances in which we live. If we have too many external problems such as stress at work, lack of money, addictions, obnoxious in-laws, love also suffers. Because it cannot be taken for granted. Love also depends on how we treat it. We have to remain true to ourselves and still pay enough attention to our partner. All too often, we strive for self-realization at the drop of a hat. So we either have to accept that our relationships are finite. Or we have to find an additional basis. Because love alone is not enough. Not in the past and not today either.

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION