Karla on her difficult childhood: "I always lacked stability in life"

"There was another moment the other day when I felt all alone. The scene was so beautiful: a mother and daughter were sitting opposite me on the train, talking to each other intensely, listening to each other, responding to each other and holding hands. I always wished for this intense affection - but I never got it."

Karla's childhood was anything but happy and carefree. She lived with her biological mother for the first five years. She was a single mother early on, couldn't cope with life, lost her job and suffered from depression. Fortunately, the youth welfare office noticed this at the time and found a foster family for Karla. "I have absolutely no memories of the first years of my mother's life. But I assume that my mother often neglected me. Unfortunately, I'll never find out because she died young."

"Unconditional love and affection - I never really experienced any of that"

Karla is well received by the foster family. But she doesn't get much attention there either. The problem is one of the two biological children, one of whom is already in puberty. "In principle, they were good parents, I can't really blame them. They really tried to prepare us children for life. And they attached great importance to a good education." But the older foster brother got involved with the wrong friends, tried drugs and had wild parties - and things went downhill at school. The parents have their hands full trying to get the boy back on track. They even consider giving Karla away again. But she stays. "However, I was more of a follower the whole time," says Karla. And there's something else she feels very clearly: "They're just not my parents. There was no bond between us."

Her foster parents support her in choosing a career and finding accommodation. On the day she moves out, her foster mother says: "You're always welcome here." Karla appreciates this to this day. But love, closeness, trust? She doesn't feel that. "When I look back today, the overriding feeling is that I never felt safe. I never got to know this unconditional love."

"I find it very difficult to trust and let go sometimes"

This is also reflected in her relationships with men. She finds it difficult to trust and let go. "At some point, I realized that a pattern was repeating itself: I always did everything for men to get their love. But I was always pretending and never being who I really am. I knew I didn't want to carry on like this. Something has to happen."

Since then, Karla has been seeing a therapist. It's good for her, she says, she's working on herself. "I want to look forward, and most of the time that works. But there are still moments that really hurt, like the other day on the train."

Tips and information on the topic

The expert interview: The key to solving (almost) all problems

The qualified psychologist and book author Stefanie Stahl (54) has developed a method for recognizing yourself and dealing with your feelings.

The book "Das Kind in dir muss Heimat finden" (The child in you must find a home) is a complete success. Stefanie Stahl has written the content in a simply structured way. Unlike other psychologists, she only distinguishes between the sun child and the shadow child within us. We have both within us, we can get to know them and work on them.

What does the "inner" child stand for?

"The term stands for our childhood imprints that we take with us into adulthood. When we are born, our brain is 25 percent developed. That's why the first six years are particularly formative. Of course, we also have genes in us, so some things are virtually predetermined. However, the childhood we experience has a decisive influence on our self-esteem."

And what does the "shadow child" mean?

"These are the negative experiences that we have and that shape us. They give us beliefs such as 'I'm not enough' or 'I'm not wanted'. Even as adults, these beliefs keep leading us down the same blind alleys, for example into the same unhappy relationships. At some point, you should ask yourself: What do I think of myself deep down? How do I generally think about relationships?"

Are women more concerned with this?

"No, men and women are the same. Women are more reflective and deal with it more. But the younger generation of men in particular are much more open and talk a lot about their feelings. Personal development is important to men."

Why do so many people struggle with childhood?

"Because there is no perfect childhood and no perfect parents. A childhood doesn't have to have been dramatically bad. But everyone takes a shadow child with them - to a greater or lesser extent."

Can you "heal" the shadow child?

"Yes, of course you can. You can definitely develop new attitudes. However, you have to recognize your own imprints first. You don't have to go through the very last provinces of your childhood to do this. The important thing is to recognize the common thread, the patterns that are always the same. And then you can work on them wonderfully. What happens next is what I always call 'catching and switching'. When you realize that negative beliefs are emerging, you have to switch to the adult ego, because as an adult you live in a completely different reality than you did back then."

Do you have to go to therapy?

"No, you can solve a lot of things yourself. The most important thing is that you take responsibility. But for some people, professional support is certainly appropriate. Depending on how difficult their childhood was and how much they are still affected by it today."

How successful is online counseling?

"I give online workshops and can only say that they work very well. At least that's the feedback I get from the participants. It's also much more personal than reading a book. I can practically come to people in their living rooms. I think the trend towards online therapy sessions is unstoppable anyway."

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