Everyone knows situations in which you simply can't - or don't want to - refuse. For example, when a work colleague asks if you can spontaneously help them move house at the weekend, the class teacher asks for a cake or the husband asks if you can quickly pick up his shirts from the dry cleaners. "Yes, of course", often tumbles out of us all too quickly and automatically. And then we realize that what has just been brought to us doesn't actually fit in with our plans. And we're annoyed that we didn't reject it straight away. But to turn it down again afterwards? You can't do that. We're afraid of rejection and the reactions of others. After all, everyone wants to be liked. But is anyone really angry if you say: "I'm sorry, it's not right for me." No. So why do we find it so difficult to say no?
Our needs are just as important as those of others
To stay with the example of the friend and her move: if we say no to her, we feel bad. The plan to simply go for a stroll at the weekend, for example, seems pretty selfish against her request - even if we were looking forward to it. And, of course, we're afraid that she won't like us anymore if we say no. Stop! There's nothing wrong with being helpful, but in this case, a spontaneous request, it's okay to draw the line. Why should our own needs be less important than those of our girlfriend? We have been eagerly awaiting the shopping break and coffee - that counts too. A tip: If you're torn, don't answer immediately, but take some time to think about it and decide later what really has priority.
Leisure time: I'm in! I don't want to miss out on anything
An evening with colleagues? Sure, you could miss out on something. But you're actually incredibly tired. This form of not being able to say no even has a name: "Fear of missing out". Sometimes it's good to get yourself together, but as soon as the supposed obligations turn into leisure time stress, the fun is over. Everyone needs time for themselves to recharge their batteries. Be honest. A "I'm out today, have fun" is totally fine. And let's be honest, evenings that you remember forever are really rare.
Partnership: Love doesn't mean doing everything for the other person
"Honey, shall we dig the garden together today?" Ouch, now it's extra difficult to say no. Because he used the word "together", which means: he wants us to do something together. That's wonderful in principle. Exactly what we all want. Our heads are spinning. By saying no, we're not just saying no to gardening, we're also saying no to togetherness, aren't we? But we want everything to be completely harmonious ... Stop! Even in marriage, everyone is entitled to make sure they are happy. I'm sure you know women who say after a relationship breaks down: "But I always did everything for him!" And what do you think? "If only she had paid attention to her needs and set boundaries." Exactly! Of course you shouldn't rigorously say no in a partnership. Stand by your wishes, but also approach your partner. Let your sweetheart do the digging and you can help with the planting later. Compromise is the key to a good partnership - and honesty.
Children: the masters of making you feel guilty
Sometimes it's really hard to deny your children a wish. Who wants to be "stupid" and "mean" or be punished with disrespect? The guilty conscience is programmed, you feel like a bad mother, even though that's nonsense of course. Of course, children are stubborn when they don't get their way, but perhaps the following will help you: Children who hear no more often and can accept it will cope better later in their professional lives and in relationships.
Other people's expectations: Do we really always have to meet them all?
Have you ever experienced this? Your mother calls and asks you to do some shopping for her. So you quickly run to the supermarket, take the things to her - and skip your sports class. Of course, it's your mother, that's the way it should be. Women learn from childhood to help out and act in a balancing way, while boys are allowed to deal with conflicts much more often. It's like an acquired helper syndrome. This is great for everyone around you - but not for you. So: Mom can wait a day. If you do what's good for you, you'll have the strength to help out from time to time.
Job: taking on a task for your colleagues again?
We fill in for others, do an extra job, the boss gives us an urgent project. Turn it down? Impossible: we don't want people to think we're lazy and uncooperative. Even if you have so much on your plate that you don't know how to manage it. A study also shows that one in three employees is overworked and regularly works overtime. This saps your strength and nerves. The only thing that helps is to say no to something - in a charming way. For example, "The new project is great. Thank you for your trust. However, I have to put other things on hold. What would your priorities be?" Sounds nicer than a firm no and also includes a suggestion for solving the problem. Experts say that the most important word in business is "no". All bosses have mastered this perfectly. Because it commands respect.
The strategy: declare war on the automatic yes - now
If you think you say yes too often, it makes sense to get to the bottom of the reasons for your fear of saying no. Take some time to ask yourself these questions, for example: What experiences have I had in my family? What in my partnership? Were there consequences or rejection? If this has often been the case, we often turn it into a belief pattern. We then rarely contradict ourselves in order to maintain harmony and peace. In the long term, you forget about yourself, move further and further into the background and at some point no longer know what is good for you. And that makes you ill - physically and mentally. Is that what you want? Now you: ... !
5 great tips: Training for eternal yes-men
- Learn from others
Do you know someone who can say no charmingly but firmly? Watch how they do it. And try to do exactly the same. - Be less selfless
Everyone is selfish by nature - and that's a good thing. It's the only way we could survive in the past. - Just try it out
First say no more often in unspectacular situations. Would you like to donate to the animals? Would you like the receipt? Did you like it? Simply say no. Without explanation, without justification. - Use your body too
Anyone who quietly voices an objection is easily overheard. An upright posture, shaking your head, folded arms and a firm gaze reinforce the message. - Look for alternatives
Write down sentences that you could say instead of yes. For example: I need a little time to think about the answer.
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