Sex should always be possible, please

Nevertheless, we expect ourselves and our partners to be in the mood for sex. And always. At any time of day. At any time of life. One look, one touch, one word and we want/should be on fire. If that doesn't happen, it doesn't take long for us to question ourselves and the relationship.

At the same time, we know in our hearts that the world around us is constantly changing: The seasons come and go, the climate changes, we smile at new trends, faces are hairless and then bearded again, we move up or down the career ladder, relationships break up, new love arises.

Lust is tied into the nature of our relationship

Let's imagine that we have finally found our dream job. Everything is so exciting at first. Before the first day, we have heart palpitations, we get to know new people, have to adjust to them and get along with them. New tasks await us. In the early days, we concentrate fully on the new job, are full of new impressions in the evenings and put everything else on the back burner for the time being. We try hard and want to show everyone how great we are.

At some point it gets easier and we have time and leisure again for all the other good things in life. The job is no longer the focus of our lives. We no longer really notice the special things, as they become intertwined with our lives almost unnoticed Habit and calm creep in. And yet our lives are a little more worth living.

It's very similar in our love life. At first, our new love is at the center of everything we do. Our thoughts revolve tirelessly around our loved one. We could be together all the time, be in each other. Everything is exciting, every touch makes us tremble. We slowly get to know each other and our bodies better. Many a surprise awaits us.

A large part of the erotic tension arises from not knowing what else is inside the other person. The better we get to know each other, the more secure we feel. We know what the other person likes. The big experiments become smaller rituals, the great desire becomes a new form of intimacy. And so here too, habit and routine creep in very slowly and almost unnoticed. And this has also made our lives a little more lovable.

Lust is not a force independent of the rest of our lives

But no matter what type of person we are, we almost all have the idea that our lust should always remain the same. Especially in a relationship. Maybe it can become more. But under no circumstances should it decrease or possibly even stop. Regardless of the life situation we find ourselves in, regardless of the state of our relationship or our age.

This demand is so deep within us that we are often not even aware of it. It seems as if our sexuality is detached from our personality, our body or our life. And when our desire changes or actually loses its urgency, we are outraged, stunned and feel cheated by life. But here too, change is simply part of life. And we can look at the context in which they occur.

After all, we don't always feel like eating

Sexual desire can be compared to our appetite. And even that is not always the same:

- For some, eating is a pleasure and cooking is a hobby. For others, it's just food intake.
- If the food doesn't taste good, we easily lose our appetite.
- Some have more appetite than others.
- When we want to diet, we can't think about anything else. At least that's how it is for me.
- Sometimes we stuff ourselves with something so that we don't feel a completely different need.
- And some people deny their bodies any food.

We can look at our lust and our sexuality in the same way. We are all different in the nature of our needs. And these are also subject to fluctuations:

- Some people simply have more desire and others less.
- Some need a lot of closeness and others only a little.
- There are times when we use sex to compensate for something else, such as low self-confidence or anger at work.
- We can use sex to cover up an inner emptiness.
- And if sex is boring, we also lose our desire.

Lust is not a right but a gift

The change from unbridled lust to a calmer intimacy is quickly viewed negatively. Not least because the media make us believe that lifelong and relationship-long lust at a high level is the great normality. And those who don't have it just don't work hard enough on their lust and relationship, don't keep fit enough, eat too unhealthily or don't exercise enough. It almost seems as if a few simple steps would be enough for us to jump into the sack three times a day full of lust and vitality even after ten, twenty or fifty years together or at the age of sixty, seventy or eighty.

After all, our lust does not exist in isolation from the rest of our lives. It is integrated into

- our feelings
- our desires
- our well-being
- our expectations
- and our ideas.

It is influenced by our disappointments and frustrations. And it is also embedded in our physical changes. Desire is a delicate little plant that does not automatically blossom when the bedroom door is closed. We have no legal right to desire. We can only nurture it with our daily attention, our appreciation and our love. And we can witness how it changes.

Gaining intimacy is a great opportunity

If we only ever long for the hot initial phase of a relationship or the sexual restlessness of our youth, we don't even realize what feelings of happiness the changing times can also give us. Instead, we are dissatisfied, stamp our foot and exclaim: "But everything was different in the past!" Yes, exactly, it was different! Of course it was different! How could it always stay the same when everything else around us and inside us has changed? But that doesn't have to mean better or worse. It was just different. Perhaps we did it more often.

In return, we may experience a completely different intensity today, be more relaxed and be able to draw deep inner fulfillment from pleasure. And then we don't have to make love three times a day to reassure ourselves of our love, but only when we really want to!

Anja Drews - qualified sex educator for ORION